Karena meskipun kau ganteng, kau bukanlah untukku

Aku tahu kau ganteng.
Tubuh tinggi rambut berdiri hidung mancung,
Bibir merah, mata menatap tajam dan dada bidang.
Kau berlari dua kali sehari dan berenang dua hari sekali
Demi figur Apollo yang melekat dengan indahnya pada dirimu
Tiap kali kau berdiri di depan cermin
Dari belakang kukagumi ciptaan Tuhan yang satu ini.
Tiap kali kau tersenyum memamerkan gigi putihmu yang kecil-kecil,
Ku merasa dunia ikut tersenyum bersamamu.

Tapi sayang, sungguh sayang
Tiap kau bicara yang keluar hanyalah celaan
`yang ini cerewet, yang itu tidak cantik´
`yang satu munafik, yang lain jual diri´
Tapi sayang, sungguh sayang
Yang ada di kepalamu hanyalah drama Jepang dan Angelina Jolie dalam tiga dimensi
Kau hanya diam saat ku tanyakan tentang Laskar Pelangi dan Haruki Murakami

Jadi sayang, sungguh sayang
Tiap kali kau bicara atau diam ku tak lagi melihat Dewa Yunani di cermin pagi tadi
Matamu yang tajam menyipit dan senyum mu menjadi seringai
Taring panjang menggantikan gigi putihmu yang kecil-kecil
Ejekanmu menutupi semua gaung tawamu
Dan kau bukan lagi Apollo dari legenda Artemis
Lebih mirip Cyclops si raksasa bermata satu
Yang ditakuti semua awak kapal Oddysey

Jadi sayang, sungguh sayang
Meskipun kau ganteng kau bukanlah untukku
Kau buat ku palingkan muka karena kesinisanmu
Kau buat ku gertakkan gigi karena kemasa-bodohanmu
Selamat tinggal, hybrid Apollo-Cyclops ku
Karena meskipun kau ganteng, kau bukanlah untukku.

Welcome to my world

The line below was a typical conversation during the first week's Monday meeting in my office. One pHd student and his/her technician give a presentation about their progress and their work. Since our research centered in the mechanism of natural immune system, all member of our research group work with materials from patient and donor, mainly bone marrow, core blood, saliva, or such.

Presenter : "...thus so far we are still trying to figure out how to generate enough cell from a limited sample in order to see the expression of this and that marker on this and that population, and to do this and that future experiment. We also wanted to relate clinical phenotype with the result if that's possible, which so far isn't because of confidential reasons".

Colleague : "Can't you thaw frozen materials from this patient, or get DLI materials from other patient with similar phenotype?"

My boss : "The problem is we only have 3 patients that meet our criteria. We certainly cannot access patient's detail, but I can tell you that the material in which we are interested in couldn't be recollected. That particular patient experienced swelling and fever while on holiday, and the doctor who treated her just removed the lession and throw it away without preserving anything. What a waste. She died shortly afterwards".

.....

Then, we all take a glance in the slide which represented the time of injection, immune response, course of treatment, and relapse of the patients. At the end of the line, there was three very small crosses which was colored red, blue, and black.

Colleague : "Ah. So all three patient have died already?"
My boss : "Yes. They all died within 5 years course. ".

......

Okay, okay, I get it. I will treat every bone marrow aspirates, every buffy coat, and every thawed cryo vials with respects and care, since maybe the original owner of those materials are watching me from heaven while I centrifuge a part of them in a 96 well plates and analyze them in FACS machine (hoe they are praying for the success of my experiments as well). Those part of them will live long in the FACS sheets folder in my table, at least as long as it takes for the paper to keep intact before time and air destroy them.

...Because I'm neither dumb or blind

I used to think that my life was a big ship adventure where I rode and just follow the wave . Life was a bungee-jumping game where you could just close your eyes, jump, and when you fall, there would be a rope tied to your leg that prevents you from crushing on the hard ground. Life was a lullaby in the cotton cloud where you would be caught in case you fell. And life was a big of unknown dreams where you could shape it the way you wanted.

I could have decided to just jump to the ocean when I thought I have stood too close to the brink of my ship, and there would be no way back. I could have let a shark ripped my soul to pieces in that dark water, and they would have been floating away lonely and miserable. I could have decided to let the rope in my leg tightly loose, just for the sake of its thrill. I could have let my head brushed against the hard ground just to see if I could duck right on time. It just take a little push of an index finger, since I'm just a human whose mind is fragile to temptation. There were a lot of others who have let themselves free and screaming out loud, asking me to also be there.

But I was created with two eyes to see, two ears to hear, a heart to listen, and wisdom to think. All I need to do is just stop for a while, set my eyes and ears open, and take a look around for I will see the little paths and step holders that I fail to see in my rush. All I need to do is open my heart to the voice of Doubt, for doubt means that wisdom is guiding me to see the light I fail to see when I blindly walk. There will be times when I fall, but it´s alright because I know I could still turn back. For I´m neither dumb or blind...

Wish list

As a follower of a recent trend among my friends, we are no longer guessing the appropriate gift for a birthday person, but instead, asking them directly for what they wanted. The birthday person is also unashamedly making a wishing list that contains something totally impossible (a.k.a very expensive), to something that they know they could get. Here it is, the wishing list of mine.

1. iPhone (okay I know nobody's gonna give me this)
2. iPod video (ehm.. I think I can still hope)
3. Samsung f480 Touchwizz
4. Laptop stand with fan
5. Kadobon for Bijenkorf
6. kadobon for SPS

But still, I want iPhonee huhu

HP 530 (new laptop ballads part II)

Like I told you from the older post, I recently welcomed a new laptop (which if you wanna know, was credited for two years. Means I can't run way from Holland for two years. Otherwise I'm blacklisted forever) HP 530.

Í would like to thank Reyner Karnali, Alsya Affandi, and Reggie Raynaldi for all the critics and advices (quote from Reyner: you can turn on the laptop, then take a bath and a short nap, and that laptop is not even booted up yet). You all take part in this recent purchase. So you don't need to worry anymore the next time you come visit me :-)

My lovely laptop

Last week Oom Tony told me about a potential buyer of my four year old laptop. He assured me that this buyer would give me a pretty good deal, and he would lend me one of his many laptops while I'm looking for a new one. The price of new laptop has decreased considerably during these years, and now you can get one with 400-500 euro which would have costed you double four years ago. There is also a good deal with the mobile company, in which you could get a new laptop together with a cell phone and a certain abonement agreement just by paying 20 euro per months for 2 years. In short, today is the good time to ditch your old smelly laptop and get a new shiny one.

My laptop needs 10 minutes to boot up (you can take a shower and come back and it's still in the boot-up process). 5 minutes after on, the machine would growl like crazy and the board get as hot as a stove. It is completely useless without the non-stop plugged in battery. It has no webcam, no internal bluetooth, no card reader, no wireless, no DVD or CD burner, no nothing. It weighs like a ton, has no brand, 512 upgraded memory and 40GB internal disc (trust me, those are very very lame in this MacBook era) and was a bit dirty from a non-stop four years exposure to a student life. I was amazed if it could sell at all.

But however ugly my laptop is, it has accompanied me during this time without any major complaint. The keyboards are intact and the speaker never fails. It stays with me in the sleepless nights during my second years report craze, and it hold on when I typed my bloody thesis and presentation. If love exist, it would be justifiable to say that I'm in love with it. If soulmate exist, it was one of the many souls I have. It was a part of me. It knows my bank balances (which shown that I'm always broke) and the dirty little secrets and the skeleton in my closet. Those priceless and unrepleaceable things make me think twice to say yes to the offer.

Then Oom lend me his laptop. A shiny new Hewlett Packard with 2GB working memory and 1024 GB internal disc. Takes 5 seconds to boot up, one second to open a webpage, and a Window vista operator who said "welcome to Windows Vista. I am your official intelligent" every time I log in. It has a DVD and CD burner, weigh half as my old one, and is equipped with a wireless and a card reader. Wow. He said I could get the same laptop with the cellphone abonement system and an additional 70 euro. As you expected, this good deal shake my determination and cut the crap about those sentimentil things I've written in the previous paragraph :-)

So tomorrow afternoon I will say goodbye to my old friend. I'm sure he would be happier with the new owner. Finally he will be at peace. And maybe I will make a new acquintance soon. Yohooo!!

The legend of Narcissus

Narcissus by Carravagio


Narcissus, the handsome self-admirer who had chosen to die than turned away from his reflection in the lake. So handsome he was, that when he grew up not only women and girls but also other men fell in love with him. When he was born, his parents asked if he would live a long life. The answer was "yes, if he never knew himself".

Unfortunately, despite so many controversy on winning his heart, he could never have loved anybody else once he set eyes upon his own reflection in the lake. He was so much fascinated by what he saw there, and not being able to find consolation, he died of thirst at the brim of the lake. For if he had reached to take a drink, he would have shattered his image into thousands of pieces.

So famous this myth is, so that Narcissus is nowadays used cassually to name a person who take an excessive care of him/herself. If someone couldn't help glancing towards everytime he/she walk pass a mirror, automatically Narcissist would attach behind his/her own name.

However, recently I read a contemporer version of Narcissus story that goes like this: upon his death, one of the God asked the lake if it was sad to be the cause of death of someone as beautiful as Narcissus. The lake said, "yes, I am really sad. Not because someone as beautiful as him has to die, but because in the reflection in his eyes I could see my own beauty. Now I have none I could reflect my self into"...

Ahem. This is very interesting. This lake was like the people who surround the narcissist, and in their silence they laugh for they know they are not as shallow as the narcissist. In him/her, they see their own beauty... Is it possible?

The day you goes away

19.07.08. 11o'clock
Your cheek rested in my head
Talking to me, how much you're gonna miss me
Borrow the bluetooth device

19.070.8. 11.30
My arms in your shoulders,
Yours in my waist
Our face so close,
And I bade you goodbye

19.07.08. 11.45
Sit in your empty room
Two suitcases
I stand up, open my arms
You took me in,
And gave me something precious
Over and over again.

19.07.08. 12o'clock
Three plastic bags
You told me maybe we could make it works somehow
I said we could try later
And I bade you another goodbye.

20.07.08. 02.45
Sit in my chair,
Write this piece
Miss you terribly
Even though you're just one step away
Maybe I'll give you what you want later

20.07.08. 9o'clock
You board the train.
So early, foggy summer morning
And taking away a piece of my heart.

- tribute for Brucie-

A temporary end to my sleepless nights

Tomorrow is one of my biggest days during this four years. THE presentation in front of so many people (thanks to the much-excessive invitations I sent last week). It won't take more than 1 hour, or 1.5 hours at most, but just imagine how long I remained rigid in front of the pc screen with the cups of black coffee and long abandoned spaghetti? hahaha.
Anyway, after tomorrow I'm going to take it easy for a day before getting immersed again in the unfinished bussiness such as reports and the end defense. Still long way to go, 2 more weeks before the internship's finish, moving back to my cozy den in Nijmegen. By then, hopefully the report is finish, the presentation time has somehow magically shorter itself into a mere 20 minutes (now it's half a-hour) and everything's working out.

Pray for me, would you??

The Prophet on Crime and Punishment

...then one of the judges of the city stood forth and said, "Speak to us of crime and Punishment".
Ans he answered saying:
It is when your spirit goes wandering upon the wind,
That you, alone and unguarded, commint wrong unto others and therefore unto yourself.
And for that wrong committed must you knock and wait awhile unheeded at the gate of the blessed.
Like the ocean is your god-self;
It remains for ever undefiled.
And like the ether it lifts but the winged.
Even like the sun is your God-self;
It knows not the ways of the mole nor seeks it the holes of the serpent.
But your god-self does not dwell in your being.
Much in you is still a man, and much in you is still not yet man,
But a shapeless pygmy that walks asleep in the mist searching for its own awakening.
And of the man in you would I now speak.
For it is he and not your god-self nor the pygmy in the mist, that knows crime and the punishment of crime.
Oftentimes have I heard you speak of one who commits a wrong as though he were not one of you, but a stranger unto you and an intruder upon your world
But I say that even as the holy and the righteous cannot rise beyond the highest which is in each one of you,
So the wicked and the weak cannot fall lower than the lowest which is in you also.
And as a single leaf turns not yellow but with the silent knowledge of the whole tree,
So the wrong-doer cannot do wrong without the hidden will of you all.
Like a procession you walk together towards your god-self.
You are the way and the wayfarers.
And when one of you falls down he falls for those behind him, a caution against the stumbling stone.
Ay, and he falls for those ahead of him, who though faster and surer of foot, yet removed not the tumbling stone.
And this also, though the word lie heavy upon your hearts:
The murdered is not accountable for his own murder,
And the robbed is not blameless in being robbed.
The righteous is not innocent of the deeds of the wicked,
And the white-handed is not clean in the doings of the felon.
Yes, the gulty is oftentimes the victim of the injured,
And still more often the condemned is the burden-bearer for the guiltless and unblamed.
You cannot separate the just from the unjust and the good from the wicked;
For they stand together before the face of the sun even as black thread and the white and woven together.
And when the black thread breaks, the weaver shall look into the whole cloth, and he shall examine the loom also.
If any of you would bring the judgement to the unfaithful wife,
Let him also weight the heart of her husband in scales, and measure his soul with measurement.

.....

What's written above is obe verse from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. Even if it's difficult to interpret what's written in this masterpiece, it is quite easy to understand what this verse meant: THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU PLACE YOUR JUDGEMENT UPON SOMEONE ELSE, FOR HIS POSITION COULD HAVE BEEN VERY EASILY YOURS, TOO.

Walk with your heart AND your head

When I was so little I used to be really really happy when my mom came and gave me one little sweet candy. I would laugh out loud and thanked her thoroughly. I would taste the candy and feel every precious lick as if I would not get a hold on another candy for ever. But then, after several minutes the candy got smaller and smaller until it finished completely, left me with only one white small stick as a reminiscence of the big big happiness I felt just a moment before. Then came the sadness emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

When I was a bit bigger I would jump to the door when I heard my grandma's voice calling my name from the door. I would run and run and hug her and told her how much I missed her. We would play the whole afternoon and she would listen to everything I said, even if it was just a child talk. We would have fun and have a nice meal that seemed to last just a second. And then came the moment when she had to go home and left me with another years before I could smell her skin and hair again, feel her soft and wrinkled hand caressing me again. Then the familiar pang of sadness and emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

When those rare meetings were taken away from me as she passed away so suddenly in the early morning thirteen years ago, when I realized I would never feel her touch and see her smile again, when I saw my grandpa cried over her final rest and witnessed how much he lost her, when I felt the tears streaming down my cheek and I couldn't stop myself from wailing from my lost; thinking that my world would never be the same again, I knew it was time to learn to shield myself away from those sadness and emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

When it was time to learn to share my heart with my high school sweetheart, I would embrace every day with smile and went to school with full spirit. The world seemed so bright and promising and everyday was heaven on earth. I would enjoy every minute we spent together, from the moment we sat on his car to the time when we called each other from the radio to say goodnight and goodluck. I would feel the strength of his hand when he put it around my shoulder. Then came the time when our paths were no longer crossing each other and we should go to our separate ways. Again and again the familiar sadness emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

The aftertaste of happiness, is REGRET. Because after everything was gone, the pain and hollow were almost unbearable. God creates everything in balance. Happiness and sadness are like two surface on the same coin; when one is awake, the other is lurking in the dark. There was not one could last forever because another would never sleep for long. Behind a happiness there's always a sorrow. And the greater the happiness, the greater the sorrow. Balance. Libra.

I don't need these unbearable sadness and emptiness and regret anymore. I need a wall. I need a distance. I need a brake. I need less emotion. I need a composure. I need calmness. I need a warning. A warning not to be too happy.

You and me...

Cause it's you and me,
and all of the people
with nothing to do, nothing to loose
And it's you and me,
and all of the people
And I don't know why,
I can't keep my eyes off of you.
- you and me by Lifehouse-

That's so true, it's just you and me with all the people. And it's true I can't keep my eyes off of you.
So why not just give it a shot and see how it goes? I pray to God to show me the way of dealing with our thing, and just when I'm finished, this song was heard through my random playlist. I take it as His way of showing me not to be affraid because it's just you and me. I pray to him not to let me down so low when the outcome was not as I expected. We're no longer schoolchildren who can say we're happy just by seeing each other happy.

The truth is, I think my happiness lies with you. And I think I really can't keep my eyes off of you.

The places where I grew up

1986-1987: Semarang, Tanah Mas
Dari cerita mami, this so so little me had nothing better to do except screwing arround her papers and messing her works. Selalu nangis teriak-teriak kalo oma mau pulang ke Purworejo, selalu nangis teriak-teriak ketakutan kalo oma co dateng dari Jakarta.

1987 - 1989: Jakarta, Cipulir
Hmm I can't recall much of this place, except of its palm trees and yard. Jaman masih kecil belum punya gigi, tahunya cuma ketawa-nangis-ngedot-minta gendong mami. The image of the 3-year old me was a plump little girl with short hair and chubby cheeks, unsynchronized eyes (hahaha), smiling while riding a 3 wheels bike.

1989-1995: Kutoarjo
Masa-masa TK sampai kelas 4 SD, ketemu sahabat sekaligus saingan tak terkalahkan dan tak terlupakan. Rebutan ayunan sama Chandra & Adi W di TK Pius, makan nasi bungkus dari kantin sekolah. Uang 100 rupiah bisa makan siomay sampe kenyang, oh what a world. Les renang. Pagi-pagi digangunin mami dan digotong ke kamar mandi. Anak SD yang pengen cepet-cepet ke SMP. Naik sepeda sore-sore rame-rame, ke arah sunset di bukit deket rumah

1995-2001: Purworejo
Yayy akhirnya SMP, udah merasa gede, pake rok biru yang ga berkibar-kibar lagi kaya pas SD. Main basket sore-sore sampe jadi item, main gitar di aula sekolah sama anak-anak asrama cowok yang dulu terlihat amat sangat keren, padahal in reality bau dan tak pernah mandi hehehe. The after-class unforgettable moment when I, well we, did something we shouldn't have done but it's okay. Ngegosip sama temen-temen tentang itazura na kis ( both movie and reality). Wah pengen cepet-cepet SMA nih.

2001-2004: Jogjakarta, kotabaru
The most noticeable moment in my life. Tinggal serumah bareng 13 anak cewek lain dari berbagai kota, dari yang ngomong medok banget sampe yang ga bisa ngomong jawa. Dari yang punya pacar naik mobil sampe punya pacar naik sepeda. Main CS bareng Ryo. Makan soto di kantin; renang jumat sore; tidur pas pelajaran pak Pram; project biology dibayarin sama pak ari; nyontek pas akuntansi; tidur pas retret; cat rambut tindik kuping; kabur pas upacara; sederetan catetan pelanggaran di buku bu Nanik; pelajaran seni tari yang bikin pegel; Still overshadowed by the someone I did something I shouldn't have done with; Punya geng F6 sampe akhirnya ketemu Chika & Ndhu2, my best ever pas kelas 3. Wish the time would stop at this point. Rasanya kita masih bisa jadi apa saja, bisa terbang ke langit. The most enjoyable moment when we were not kids anymore but not adults yet.

2004: Groesbeek, the Netherlands
Rumah di tengah-tengah peternakan, dihuni oleh 4 orang asia under age. Mikir mau ambil halte yang mana tiap pagi. Tidur di bus. Sauna & renang sore-sore. kenapa SMA lewat begitu cepat?

2004-2007: Nijmegen, the Netherlands
first year, second year, third year gone so fast. Oh please brake the time and let us unload our burden for a while. Reports, experiments, internships, frantically wishing for more hours in a day. kangen masa dimana masih bisa naik sepeda roda 3, main gitar di aula sekolah, dan ke galeria mall habis pulang sekolah. Masa-masa dimana keegoisan tidak punya tempat. Homesick mendera lebih sering dari apapun. Memandang dunia dalam kehitam dan putihan tanpa ada area abu-abu diantaranya. The childish soul acted strong. Just realize that a few childhood friends last more than ever.

2007-2008: Eindhoven, the Netherlands
The final year that determines everything. Rumah penuh dengan imigran eropa yang ga bisa bahasa belanda. Menikmati masa-masa ngafe dan clubbing yang sebetulnya hanya escapism. Desperate untuk betul-betul mengerem waktu. Merasa tidak bisa melakukan yang terbaik. Stress, takut, dan berusaha pasrah dan mendekatkan diri pada Yang Kuasa. Desperate untuk meminta lebih dari 24 jam dalam sehari. Homesick. berpapasan dengan 2 orang yang mengajarkan banyak hal dalam waktu singkat. I would give anything to be back to that 3-wheeled bikes and going out to see the sunset in that hill again...

Deja-Vu

Beberapa hari yang lalu, seorang temen SMU yang udah lama banget ga pernah kontak mendadak menyapa di MSN. Dasar manusia selalu berprasangka, pikiran pertama yang hinggap di pikiran adalah “wah, pasti ada apa-apanya nih. Ga mungkin dia cuma ngajak chat untuk sekedar tanya-tanya kabar atau haha-hihi doang”. Untungnya, saya nggak salah berprasangka kali ini karena prasangka saya terbukti ada benernya. Dia sedang punya masalah dengan X, cowoknya yang sudah dipacari sejak kelas 3 SMU. (gila, banyak juga ternyata orang yang betah pacaran lama-lama sama orang yang sama. Ga bosen apa ketemu orang itu-itu doang tiap hari? Hehehe sotoy =). Dengan sotoynya lagi, saya bilang kalo dia hebat banget bisa bertahan selama 4 tahun pacaran sama The coldest and scariest person ever, si Mr. X. Ohhh betapa salahnya kalimat ini, karena ternyata itulah akar dari semua permasalahan temen saya tercinta.

From the beginning, I told her that maybe she couldn’t get any useful suggestion from me, but I was all ears if she still wanted to tell her story. Mulailah curhat standard sesama cewek yang pernah begitu deket jaman semuanya masih indah, tapi sekarang cuma dua orang asing yang kebetulan bertemu di MSN. Well, sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than to someone you know, rite? Masalahnya, selama 4 tahun ini dia merasa Mr. X ga pernah serius menganggap dia ceweknya. Dia nggak pernah bilang “aku sayang kamu”, selalu lupa tanggal jadian mereka, ngga pernah ngasih cokelat valentine, dsb dsb. Yah, saya bisa bilang kalo itu wajar. Cowok nggak sepeka cewek dalam mengingat-ingat hal ga penting kaya begitu (saya termasuk kategori cewek cuek yang nggak pernah inget begituan juga. Tahunya cuma bisa terima coklat valentine tanpa pernah memberi balik =D tapi saya seneng lho dikasih coklat hehehe).

So I told her for not thinking anything stupid, karena dia adalah cewek yang udah berhasil menaklukan the coldest and scariest Mr. X, yang dulu terkenal di SMA saya (yang isinya cewek semua) dengan reputasinya yang anti cewek. Jangan salah, dia sama sekali nggak kemayu (kalau kemayu dan anti cewek bisa jadi dia gay). Lalu saya ajak dia untuk mengingat-ingat poin-poin si Mr. X yang bagus, yang bikin dia jatuh hati dulu. Dia bilang, si X ini bener-bener macho dan keren. Orang yang bisa diandalkan dalam segala situasi, berjiwa kepemimpinan, pinter, atletik, sekarang udah kerja di salah satu perusahaan terkemuka di Jakarta, udah deh pokoknya menantu idaman. Saya setuju, karena si Mr x yang saya kenal dulu memang begitu orangnya. Ortu masing2 juga sudah tau dan sudah merestui hubungan mereka. Those things left me in question about what is not working? Kalau cuma masalah nggak inget hari valentine atau lupa tanggal jadian kan biasa, bukan masalah besar lah.

Dia makin bersemangat mengetik. Ternyata, si Mr X ini bukan hanya dingin dan pelit dalam berkata-kata gombal, dia juga dingin dan pelit dalam menunjukkan lewat sentuhan, ciuman, pelukan, ato gandengan tangan. Pokoknya selama 4 tahun masa pacaran mereka, Mr X nggak pernah berubah. Kalau mereka berjalan di publik, mereka jarang sekali bergandengan tangan. Mereka ciuman pipi hanya kalau akan berpisah saja. Ciuman yang lain saya nggak tahu dan nggak mau tahu hehehe. Moreover, sifat-sifat Mr X yang nyaris sempurna (macho, leadership talent, athletic, masa depan cerah, dsb) ditambah sifat dinginnya, adalah kombinasi yang mematikan. Kombinasi ini menyebabkan teman saya merasa insecure, merasa inferior, dan terjebak. Insecure karena dia tidak pernah bisa menebak apa yang ada di pikiran Mr X, inferior karena dia merasa Mr X terlalu bagus dan dia terlalu jelek, dan terjebak karena semua orang terus menerus berkata betapa beruntungnya dia. Dia merasa banyak orang yang merasa terkhianati kalau sampai dia merasa nggak puas dengan hubungan mereka yang tampaknya sangat sempurna. Dia nggak bisa membayangkan bagaimana caranya bertahan begitu terus untuk waktu yang amat sangat lama (kalau suatu hari nanti mereka married). Oh ternyata begitu.

Saya bertanya apakah dia sudah pernah mencoba mengkomunikasikan masalah ini ke Mr X; apakah dia pernah menunjukkan pada si X kalau dia haus belaian (astaga bahasanya). Pertanyaan yang salah ternyata, sodara-sodara. Karena dia tidak berani mengatakan ini. Dia sudah berusaha mengambil langkah pertama dengan menggandeng tangan, memeluk duluan, dsb, tapi tanggapannya selalu tidak memuaskan. Selalu dijawab dengan “apaan sih kamu?”, atau “manja banget sih!” atau jawaban-jawaban lain yang serupa. Untuk langsung mengkonfrontasi, dia tidak berani (bisa dibayangkan. Si Mr X ini bener-bener menyeramkan). Dia bilang “I should have known when we were still trying to know each other. I should have seen the sign because he was already like that since the beginning. I thought he would change once we were in a relationship, but apparently not.”Sebenernya dalam hari saya mulai berpikir kalo si Mr. X ini mungkin emang beneran gay. Saya simpan pikiran ini dalam hati saja karena kulit saya belum setebal badak sampai berani bilang terang-terangan. Saya menyesal karena tidak bisa memberi saran lebih jauh. So I bade her goodbye and good luck with solving her problem.

Cerita saya tampaknya sudah berakhir dan anda masih bertanya-tanya dimana Deja-Vu nya? Saya terdiam dan merasa mengalami Deja-Vu karena sekarang saya juga kebetulan dekat dengan seseorang yang sangaaat mirip dengan Mr. X, sebut saja Mr. Y (wah lama-lama mirip cerita kriminal di Detik.com, pakai inisial semua hehehe). Orang yang perfect, atletik, pinter, dari keluarga baik-baik, mapan, tapi dingin seperti es. Saya juga berpikir bahwa siakpnya akan berbeda dengan cewek yang sudah jadi pacarnya, but who the hell knows? Yang jelas saya yakin dia bukan gay =D. Persamaan kedua, saya juga tidak berani mengatakan langsung pada si Y kalau saya pengen digandeng, dipeluk, etc. Saya even ga berani mengambil langkah duluan karena rasanya si Y ini egonya mengalahkan luas samudra Pasifik;COWOK YANG HARUS MULAI DULUAN. Resiko malu tidak sebanding dengan tindakan itu. Banyak juga orang yang menghormati Mr. Y ini. Yang membedakan saya dan temen curhat saya ini hanyalah status. Saya bukan pacar Mr. Y dan saya tidak mengenal dia seperti temen saya mengenal Mr. X. Merasa senang karena ada teman senasib bukanlah poin saya.

The point is, I’m glad for knowing that I’m not the only girl who think that affection, hugs, kisses, and touch are necessary in showing the people that you like them. I’m glad for knowing that I’m not a maniac for wanting to be hugged and having my hands held. I’m glad for knowing that it’s probably okay for not brave enough to tell the people we like that we want to be hugged and having our hands held…

Why we need DORAMAS

I have always been sarcastic towards any kind of dramas. They were full of bullshit and stupidity so blatant I don't even know if I should laugh or cry. They make me sneer. Cover my eyes with blanket or any other objects I could find. Horror is not a ghastly image approaching from the dark; it was those romantic scenes in the dramas.

Then I start to question my "dignity". Is it because of those irritating plots that I hate dramas, or is it out of envy and realization that those plots would never happen in reality? Anyway, to see how it is actually, I decided to watch one. Just something not Hollywood-ish (like eastenders or the OC or the likes), definitely not Bollywood-ish or Indonesian (what with those sinetrons; are you kidding me?!). So I went for a recommended Japanese dorama that won several awards and made around a decade ago: Long Vacation.

Cosists of 10 or so episodes, this drama centered around Senna, an inspired musician, who fell in love with one of his piano students but rejected by her. As if this is not enough, he needed to share his house with his runaway roomate-bride who didn't have a place to stay. As the time goes by, they fell in love with each other sweetly that Senna asked her to go with him to NY Phillharmonic. You might think the story is cheesy from the way I described them, and I agree. However, I didn't cover my eyes this time. Nor did I sneer. The story was so sweetly uncovered and its plot was okay (still not gonna happen in reality but the possibility is not zero either).

After I'm done, I come to one conclusion: Long Vacation wasn't that bad. It gives me the feeling of wanting to fall to someone so bad I could lost all the logic and walk blindly with only my heart as a pointer (I was talking crap, sorry). But anyway, it ensure me more that my place is there, far far away in Asia and not here. Western didn't know the sweetness of shyness and all blushing thingy when you're confronted with someone you really like. I think I know, and I treasure that feeling.

Raiffeisenstratter

Raiffeisenstraat 7, 5611CH, Eindhoven, the Netherlands. An apartment in the central of Eindhoven located directly behind Pathe cinema and just a step away from the main station. The address of several non-Dutch speaker homeless employed by the biggest and the most lucrative firm in the Netherland, who by luck (or bad luck) have landed in Eindoven, where the majority of population is horse-rimmed computer IT gigs. So let me introduce you to the Raiffeisenstratter, the people whom I spent a marvellous time with.

here you go: raiffeisenstraat inhabitants 2008

Room 1: Hungarian girl
She was said to live in the room no 1 but nobody has ever seen her properly except for the brief "good morning" exchange. Such a mysterious character, noted by me and Amalia for her sharp facial features and similarly sharp boyfriend.

Room 2: Marc (the Spanish)
A Spanish who studied in France, excelled in French and Spanish. Likes to sleep alot, normally go out around 10 o'clock. Friendly, and like every Spanish, enjoy drinking and parties.

Room 3: Ben
Originally from Germany, he is the oldest in the house (literally in age and in the time he's been living in the house). He is the only person in the house who is not a student, own a fancy car, had been in Vietnam, had had a maid and a cook, and plays football. Recently he could only be seen one or two days during the week and spent the rest flying all around west Europe for work. His magic line for hitting on a girl was "spreek jij Nederland?", even when the girl was clearly a Dutch. It is advised not to sit beside him during poker plays unless you want to end up bruised by his punches when he lost. And he lost quite a lot :)

Room 4: Jordi
The first impression of him was that of a good dancer and a flamboyant gentleman. It was not so far from what he is, despite his strong denial that he is a good salsa dancer. His motto is "drink as much as you can". Could always be seen in all weekend student parties. An excellent robot programmer, and as predicted, always celebrate his achievement by another party :). Our nickname for him is Panda, caused by the black shadows that permanently accesorize his eyes.

Room 5: Shiva
Her curry is the spiciest dish during dinner in the house. Admit of being a sleep-addict, she put on an Indian music every 9 o'clock in the morning as an alarm. Unfortunately, her alarm normally works for all inhabitants except herself :). One with the best analytical chemistry skills that attract even unrelated companies such as retirement planning firm to offer her a job. A beautiful girl with long and shiny black hair and sweet smile.

Room 6: me
No comment. Obviously the most sane and sensible person in the house. Otherwise why would I be writing this blog trying to warn people about the danger lurk in Raiffeisenstraat 7?

Room 7: Marc (the Dutch)
The only Ducth-speaker person in the house (the native speaker, unlike Ben :) People would mistakenly thought he was seventeen-ish while infact he was much older than that. Curly blond hair and bright blue eyes remind you of the cherubs in Rafael's paint. However, never let him drink more than his share because he will start raising hell (or so he claimed). A creator of something resemble a molotov when he was just 14. Matthieu's best buddy for sitting in the window rim and mimicking a working mechanism of train: smoke

Room 8: Amalia
Has her birthday celebrated in the house recently. T-shirt with "sweet Lia, Raiffeisenstraat" is a prove of our affection to her. Inhabits the smallest but the tidiest room in the house. Has a (public) secret crush to her adorable French supervisor, whom I admit is indeed crushable and adorable :) A regular in Pathe, armed with the unlimited card that allows her to watch the movies with only 60cents a day.

Room 9: Bruce
His room should have "be careful, bite!" sign since he has tried every martial art courses in sport centre. From taekwondo to judo, and swimming to sauna. A good swimmer indeed. Never feel complete without having a super hot chilli paste in every dishes. His friendliness is as wide and big as his appetite :) but you must be wondering where all the food goes. Claimed to have a massive affection towards his only girlfriend: an electric guitar. An academic pursuer who wish to study until he couldn't think anymore.

Room 10: Matthieu
No one can stand his chocolate cakes, brownies, apple pie, or slagroom crackers. An amazing desert maker and thought to deserve the crown for the best cooker in the house. The best person to look for if you're short of ciggaretes :) Interested in hip-hop American style with all baggy pants and skateboard sneakers. Always look like he needs more sleep even though he's slept as long as a baby. Adapting quickly the student happy hours habit in Holland and could be found every Thursday in Tu/E bar.

Room 11: Yan Zhang
The fact that she was destined to live with half-barbarian people who consider the house as a pub down gradually to her. Gradually it is, she shows us her smiling face now and then. We still try to figure out the way to drag her out of her room and join us in this house of craze.

Room 12: Francesco
Our godfather in the house. The most social person, proven by the lunch invitation emails jumbled in our mailbox. Said to have a Russian complexion, a Greek accent, while infact he was a truly Italian. The best pasta and pizza maker in the house. Shares the love for an accoustic guitar with inhabitant room 6 (me) and 9 (Bruce). Never drink more than 3 glasses of liquor out of fear that his lever will fail him.

Room 13: Volker
Our photographer. Always create a cheery atmosphere with his arguments with Francesco. Never make appointment during the weekend because he will fly to Aachen to meet his lovely spouse. Noticeable with his "ja ja ja" phrase that could be heard anywhere and anytime. A true enterpreneur.

Room 14: Ping
A man of honour. His poker face is amazing it is hard to distinguish when he is serious and when he is joking. A big tall guy who makes all other Asians look like dwarf. Never fail to cook something amazing that requires more than 3 hours to cook. Not the youngest in the house, but looks like one.

The last but not least: basement guy
Nobody knows his name and just few inhabitants know his looks. Most will realize he lives in the basement after several months. Noticeable to have put all groceries outside his room and not inside like the other do. The only sign of his presence is the smell of Bob Marley's favourite side-dish that could be smelled from several meters radius.

Methicillin resistance staphylococcus aureus infection

The recent outburst of a virulent strain of bacetria that resist many antibiotics appears to be killing more people annually than AIDS, empychma, or homicide, according to a study published this month in the Journal of the American Medical Association. The death of two teenage high school American Football players in Virgina is a tragic reminder of how Methicillin-resistance Staphylococcus Aeureus (MRSA) can prey on all of us.

Being said as infection mostly gay people, MRSA in fact has been found to be prone to people who are exposed to cut and scrapes, such as children and athelets, people who work in hospitals, have regular contact with health care workers, have recently taken such antibiotics as fluoroquinolones or cephalosporin, homosexual men indeed, military recruiters, and prisoners. MRSA typically spread by skin to skin contact, crowded conditions and the sharing of contaminated personal items.

MRSA infection symptoms is basically skin infection that started as a pimple, resembles boil or spider bite, but quickly worsens into an abscess or pus-filled blister or sore. Patients who have sores that won't heal or are filled with pus should be tested for MRSA infection. They should not try to squeeze or dry the sore since it could spread the infection to other parts of the skun or deeper into the body.

To avoid or lower the risk of MRSA infection, bathing regularly and washing hands before meals is just a start. Use antibacterial sanitizer after being in public places or have touch handrails and other highly trafficked surfaces are highly recommended. wash towels and sheets regularly, leave clothes in the dryer until they are completely dry. Remind kinds and teenager that personal items such as brushes, combs, razors, towels, makeup and cell phones ARE NOT TO BE SHARED.

Some people have posted the videos about MRSA in youtube.com, you could access it and get more information about the symptoms. Keep in mind that the videos are highly graphics.

The worried dreamer

Snap me back to reality, slap me pull my feet off the ground.
For I'm a worried dreamer keep flying and can't keep my eyes bound
Pretending to laugh when I'm all about to puke
Trashing the presence of all images but bruise

Beautiful children don't know what they miss
Mercedes bling-bling long legged anorexic freaks
No bikes no rain no rice without grain
No Hitler no Einstein no hard-punk rock no brain
Those craps those know-nothing people claim

They dont know life is not in MTV
Where golden teeth dude make out with rocking ass curvy
We lost, struggle, avoiding your eyes
Left alone with no momma no daddy's smile

So go, the worried dreamer
Steal the wings from the birds and fly
Forget about those who weren't there
Because it's just us, the worried dreamer, and the sky

I would let you be

"are you hitting on me?"

"would you let me be?"

How sweetly coincidental our nickname connected to each other, whether they were indeed purely coincidence or just one of demon's ways to tease me like it (now, but weirdly not then) normally does, I couldn't really tell. But hey, I think I've let you know that yes, I would let you be.

What we have are chemistry mathematics and mystics, from the calculation we did on the first trip in that damn cold cloudy Sunday full of delayed trains and long bus trip; to the time when we tried to logically talk each other out from our mysery amid the steaming smoke of our ramen and my hot-chilli-paste hissing.

Ours are astonishment and inopposite attraction, from the way we cursed Milan while at the same time worshipped Maldini; to each and every matching words we typed even before we knew what the other was going to say.

Ours are loneliness and curiousity, from the routine thirst of the other's company; to every minute we've shared listening to the other's story, dreams, and hope.

Ours are not biology nor physics, neither children's game nor barring approach. My adventure, your world. My books, your sports. My wandering mind, your focus. My youth and childish heart, your maturity. My balance, your archer.

2008 Reformation

Those are neither resolution not revolution; nothing fancy like that. It is because normally both resolution and revolution mean radical changes, extreme makeover, which in some point become unrealistic and less probable to be fulfilled. So I choose to stick to 'Reformation', that is less radical and extreme.

So here we are, my 2008 reformation:

1. Read scientific articles more, read manga less
2. Read non fiction more, read fiction less
3. Work out more, sitting less
4. Walk out more, internetting less
5. Sport more, eat less
6. Eat vegs and fruits more, eat carbs less
7. Eat fish more, eat processed meat less
8. Write report more, chatting less
9. Talk more to my parents
10. Earn money more (somehow), spending less
11. Travelling more, shopping less
12. Focus during the experiments more and not less

By the end of 2008 I'm gonna check how far I've done. The parameters are easy: weight loss, muscle gain, more money in Bank account, number of countrries in the list, successful experiments, and increased knowledge (the lattest is quite tricky to measure).

I see the trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world,

I see the skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world..

Everybody knows "what a wonderful world", a beautiful song by Louis Armstrong from decades ago. This song would normally give me the spirit in my bad and seemingly darker days, remind me that indeed the world is beautiful and bright. I still believe it's true and I know it is.

Yet there were days when I wish I could really realise every single beautiful thing on that song just by singing it. There were days when the skies were grey or neon helium, just like the color of my office's ceiling. Or when there were no flowers let alone trees blooming. And the night was just dark and scary without any secrecy.

Maybe I'm just homesick, I wanna go home

The safety of safety agent

An agent or device created to prevent conception called condom is very widely known as a consequence of the AIDS and STD outburst during 1960-1970. However, what is considered one of the safest way of having protection might have several backgrounds we should be awaare of. Several facts regarding the safety of condom:

• Condom is made from latex or polyutherine - more common known as plastic condom. This plastic condom is designed as alternative for people allergic to latex. What most people are not aware of, plastic condom offers less quality than latex. The process of producing this plastic condom is considered too fast while the breaking risk is 3 times as high as latex (5% for plastic and 1.5% for latex)
• Based on several conducted studies, condom prevents the spread of AIDS if used consistently and correctly. However, small precentage of infection (0.15%) still occurs. The best things to do are to absence from any sexual activities from HIV+ partners, change partners less frequently, and quickly take antiviral therapy within maximum 72hours after a known exposure to HIV+
• STDs and AIDS could spread via unprotected oral sex via the lining of urethra, vaginal or cervix, anus, or directly via cuts and sores of the body. The risk increases if the person performing has cuts or sores in his/her mouth, and if the recipient ejaculates in the mouth of the performer. Condom reduce the spreading risk by 98%.
• The absence of condom size in the package caused people to make mistakes. Too small or too big condom can cause spillage of semen or slipage, which might increase STDs risks as well as unwanted pregnancies. Several states tried to urge condom manufacturer to put size of condom in term of width and length instead of letter (S,M,L).

Risky behaviours among teenagers

There is a new interesting opinion from a study observing why risky behaviours are so common among teenagers and what might be done to curtail it. The common sense shared by most of our parents are that the teens think they are immortal or invunerable, immune to the hazards, or do not appreciate the risk involved in activities like driving under alcohol influence, having unprotected sex, driving too fast, binge-drinking, or experimenting with drugs. Simply said, we teenagers are short-minded and blind compared to the adults.

Is that really the case? It isn't, apparently, according to the study. The opposite fact turns out to be that actually teenagers are too well-aware of their vulnerability and the risks involved, that they overestimate their risk of obtaining negative effects from events such as unprotected sex. But when we indeed actually weigh the risk and benefit, our mind send a signal to just do and go ahead because the benefits outweigh the risks. As for the perception of vulnerability, another studied conducted a decade ago found that adolescence estimated much higher risks of their dying than the actual risks. Showing us the videos of car crashing may do nothing to reduce future risk-taking. Moreover, showing us the actual risks of those behaviour could backfire, leading us to realize that the actual risks of behaviours like unprotected sex are not as heavy as we thought before.

A new developed strategy offered by the study suggested that the best approach would be based on "gist", an overall sense of what the is the best course of actions. As people getting older and more experienced, their decision would drive towards this so-called gist. This approach allowing adults to reach the bottom line more quickly and, in doing so, reduce their risky behaviour. For example, while an adolescent might consider playing Roussian roulette for $1million payoffs, an adult would be more inclined to think that the amount of money is not worth a one in six chance of dying.

Gist is based on culture, background, and experiences, and experience is what the teens lack. However, there are some ways to create this gist, even based on other people's experiences. For example, after knowing that many young girls getting unwanted pregnancies because of unprotected sex, we should practice the approach of say "no" and not worry about losing our boyfriend. Do feel confident, dont feel stupid, and even if people think you're stupid that's their problem, not ours.

At the same time, the study suggested that older adolescence are better at feeling the cue of possible danger from the environment, as well as learning from consequences than younger adolescence. So for the younger ones, rather than relying on them to make the decision, a better way is to supervise them to protect themselves by removing opportunities for risk taking, such as filling their time with positive activities. Young girls should not be left alone at home with their boyfriend, and omnipresent adults should be present and alcohol absents in teenagers parties.

Taken from NYTIMES