Walk with your heart AND your head

When I was so little I used to be really really happy when my mom came and gave me one little sweet candy. I would laugh out loud and thanked her thoroughly. I would taste the candy and feel every precious lick as if I would not get a hold on another candy for ever. But then, after several minutes the candy got smaller and smaller until it finished completely, left me with only one white small stick as a reminiscence of the big big happiness I felt just a moment before. Then came the sadness emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

When I was a bit bigger I would jump to the door when I heard my grandma's voice calling my name from the door. I would run and run and hug her and told her how much I missed her. We would play the whole afternoon and she would listen to everything I said, even if it was just a child talk. We would have fun and have a nice meal that seemed to last just a second. And then came the moment when she had to go home and left me with another years before I could smell her skin and hair again, feel her soft and wrinkled hand caressing me again. Then the familiar pang of sadness and emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

When those rare meetings were taken away from me as she passed away so suddenly in the early morning thirteen years ago, when I realized I would never feel her touch and see her smile again, when I saw my grandpa cried over her final rest and witnessed how much he lost her, when I felt the tears streaming down my cheek and I couldn't stop myself from wailing from my lost; thinking that my world would never be the same again, I knew it was time to learn to shield myself away from those sadness and emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

When it was time to learn to share my heart with my high school sweetheart, I would embrace every day with smile and went to school with full spirit. The world seemed so bright and promising and everyday was heaven on earth. I would enjoy every minute we spent together, from the moment we sat on his car to the time when we called each other from the radio to say goodnight and goodluck. I would feel the strength of his hand when he put it around my shoulder. Then came the time when our paths were no longer crossing each other and we should go to our separate ways. Again and again the familiar sadness emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

The aftertaste of happiness, is REGRET. Because after everything was gone, the pain and hollow were almost unbearable. God creates everything in balance. Happiness and sadness are like two surface on the same coin; when one is awake, the other is lurking in the dark. There was not one could last forever because another would never sleep for long. Behind a happiness there's always a sorrow. And the greater the happiness, the greater the sorrow. Balance. Libra.

I don't need these unbearable sadness and emptiness and regret anymore. I need a wall. I need a distance. I need a brake. I need less emotion. I need a composure. I need calmness. I need a warning. A warning not to be too happy.

I see the trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world,

I see the skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world..

Everybody knows "what a wonderful world", a beautiful song by Louis Armstrong from decades ago. This song would normally give me the spirit in my bad and seemingly darker days, remind me that indeed the world is beautiful and bright. I still believe it's true and I know it is.

Yet there were days when I wish I could really realise every single beautiful thing on that song just by singing it. There were days when the skies were grey or neon helium, just like the color of my office's ceiling. Or when there were no flowers let alone trees blooming. And the night was just dark and scary without any secrecy.

Maybe I'm just homesick, I wanna go home