Be a better man

2001 More than words

2011-06-07T15:13:00.000-07:00

It was just you and me sitting on the bench on those hot after school noons. We were talking and laughing about nothing in particular. It was just us stealing a chance to kiss for the first time in the darkness' arms, a kiss that brought by all other kisses and excitement trying to hide from the world. It was just us talking of how we were going to promise each other on the boat when we were older, how we would find each other again when the time came, no matter how long it has passed us by. It was just me and that song and the familiar pang in my heart for the memories of you, haunting me for this long ten years. Wondering when I could listen to the beautiful voice without having this invisible hands choking my throat and taking my breath away. But tonight I'm finally free from your ghost. I can wave goodbyes and thank yous for all you've given me. You still occupies a special part in my heart, for I will remember you with fondness and gratitude and even love, but it no longer hurts. It doesn't hurt anymore.

The Demented Genius Junji Ito

2011-03-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

I LOVE HORROR, especially these with folklore touches and supernatural beings. I love Japanese horror movies and graphic, much more so than those of western, because of their originality and nightmare-invoking ability.

I've been reading several scanlated horror mangas from author Junji Ito, whose works had been translated into movies such as Uzumaki (Spiral), and Tomie series. Others will have a hard time trying to scare and impress me, but not this guy. His works are available here:
http://mangamature.com/manga/Flesh-Coloured-Horror
http://mangamature.com/search/?q=tomie
http://mangamature.com/manga/Mimi-s-Ghost-Stories
http://mangamature.com/manga/Uzumaki
http://mangamature.com/manga/Gyo
http://www.mangafox.com/manga/yami_no_koe/
http://www.mangafox.com/manga/shin_yami_no_koe_kaidan/

Before you go and start reading, heed my SUPER SERIOUS warning: this is not for you with weak stomachs or faint hearts, let alone you who always have nightmares. Also not for you with photographic memory or mental disturbances. THESE are MORE SCARY than "the Ring" , "the Grudge" and other "the-" something or other movies; MORE BLOODY and graphically disturbing than "Friday the 13th" (maybe still less than "Saw", but not by much).

This is a super-serious warning, since they left such strong impressions even for ME. So if you're ready to be immersed in his demented world even after my warning, go ahead and enjoy the reading.

Manga escapism

2010-12-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

Many of you probably like to read manga, or Japanese comics that are so popular in Asia and other countries. Manga covers all kinds of genres, from friendship and love, to high-tech gimmic and mystery. You can pour all kinds of imagination you have into those sheets of papers and those tiny boxes of caricatures. That's why they are so entertaining and popular among young (and somewhat older) readers; they can be so intoxicating to some people up to a degree that they forget reality and spend their life daydreaming about the manga worlds.

Manga covers all kinds of genre, but some things they have in common are the emphasize of youth and (most of the time) male supremacy. The characters in manga are mostly high school age, with profession and capabilities of older people, and not to mention, impossible. Those youth characters are found as a professional gambler, detectives, CEO, swindler, or excellent students. Most excellence are shown by the leading male characters, and the leading females are depicted like a 'dumb-blonde' or just 'accessories' in the stories. If it was about love, it's almost always about an ordinary girl who fell in love with an extraordinary boy at her school, and rarely the other way around.

Male supremacy is something that's accepted almost wide-world, a touch of male supremacy can be found in every cultures or life style. What makes me wonder is the appeal of youth. What makes youth such an important factor in the story?

Of course manga is directed for young viewers. But in reality, youth goes by in a blink of an eye. Therefore it makes even more sad as the young readers get older, the fact spit in their face that you can no longer escape your age.

Are you afraid of the dark?

2010-10-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

'Are you afraid of the dark?' is a TV series produced between 1991-1996, and 1999-2000. It run for seven season with 13 episodes each. The story evolves around supernatural and horror stories told by several members of Midnight Society, who were five or six teenagers with different backgrounds and lifestyles.

As their leader said, 'we don't go to the same school, we have different friends, but what draw us together is, the Dark': each episode run a story told by one member, in front of campfire at midnight. Most of the stories aren't that original (featuring ghost, goblins, vampires, ghouls. haunted mementos, etc), however some are quite new in term of ideas. The most appealing things about it are the way the story told and how the it happened to average teenagers, just like us. Well, us several years ago ;D

I happen to stumble on this series and apparently I like it a lot. It's a refreshment in this era where everything is all about sci-fi, detective and forensic science, cover model vampires and werewolves, or mumbo-jumbo cougar ladies soap operas. This is like coming back when everything was so simple: classic.

10 hours that makes me stronger

2010-09-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since my last update. Many things have happened and changed, some people have come and some have gone away. But one thing is still the same: this is me in the middle of the night, alone in my room right after finishing my first assignment for tomorrow, it's time to sleep, and guess what? At a time like this the urge to write is suddenly so overwhelming; always at a time like this. Why can't it come at a better time, like, in the afternoon when I have nothing to do and just dozing off waiting for dinner?

Anyway, I'm beginning a new step in my life, closer to whatever I'm chasing, and I'm happy I can finally get here. There are still things left to be done, but at least all the essential things are here. I'm one of the three non-Dutch speaker person in the 70-people class (well I do speak Dutch better than the other two, but still), and I spend 2 hours everyday discussing about immune system and such, 2 hours again to do the assignments and read for the next day, 7 hours to sleep, 1.5hours in total to cook and eat, 45 minutes to take a shower and get pretty, 30minutes to cycle back and forth, and 10 hours left to spend as I like. Great! I wish...

For a period of almost two years, which ended just less than a month ago, I was running around for 9 hours a day at work, 1 hour busting my ass off doing Game2move or Step or Zumba, 7 hours to sleep, 1 hour to cycle around, 1 hour to eat, 45minutes to get pretty, which left me 4 hours to watch TV or get more sleep. Somehow I should have buckled down from all the rigorous things I did, but I didn't. Just like wise people say, what doesn't kill you make you stronger, and stronger was what I become. I grew some muscle I didn't know I have, I learned many things I didn't even know was possible, I was happy to know I deserve what I earned, and I found new family and people I cared about. At night I slept tightly because I know I'd done everything I could possibly do for one day.

Back to the present. With 10 hours to spend as I like and nothing or nobody to spend it with, I am lost and confused. My routine is disrupted greatly and at night I am not tired enough to sleep. That unsatisfied feeling linger, feeling that I haven't done enough and there's still many things to do. I start taking paracetamol and ibuprofen to help me sleep, watching some TV shows I've never ever watched otherwise, and I even go as far as doing laundry by hands just to let the clock ticking by faster. The quiet and privacy are great, but I miss my sport classes and rigorous biking. For at least 1 hour a day I miss the people who used to surround me 24/7, and I miss our gossip lunch and my 9 hours ass-busting work.

However, God is great indeed. He never let us suffer beyond our capabilities. Just before I get crazy of boredom, He guide me to a university sport center 3 minutes away from my home. They provide 40 different sport classes, there's always something for me so I can go there and sweating for at least one hour everyday. He guide me to an old friend whom I haven't met for a long time, and we spend great times together going to IKEA, building chairs and bookshelves, cooking some fancy stuffs, and talk an idling talks. He reunite me with someone who used to mean a lot to me at one point and have moved on, and through it He made me realize even more that what doesn't kill you, make you stronger.

That way, He show me a way to spend the 10hours left in my day.

Lesson from cats

2009-02-16T13:26:00.000-08:00

I don't like cats. Infact, I would never had one even though it was given to me for free. I'm always into dogs. I would have a big lean labrador dog in the house if it was up to me. But bad luck, my sister and mother were totally unagree with me. They LOVE cats, especially my sister. When we were still at home several years back, she got those little skinny smelly cats from somewhere in neighborhood where nobody wanted them. There were three of them, all could barely open their eyes because they were so young, and partly because of those dirty blob stuck on their eyes. Fortunately, my dad shared my believes about cats. We tried to prevent my sister from get them in the house by asking her hard responsibilities upon them: she should clean them up, feed them, bring them to the vet, trained them to behave properly. I thought it should prevent those wretch from being the part of the family, but how wrong I was.

My sister was glued to them already, and she bravely said yes to everything we asked. So begin the Invasion of Smelly Tickle Cats; they went everywhere around the house, unrestricted, sleeping sometimes together with her, and were craddled most of the time in her arms. They jumped on the table when we had meals and sniffing around with those dirty wet noses. Can you imagine, those hairy smelly misreable cats walking around our gleaming floor? Had anyone ever heard of taxoplasma or e-coli or worm infection through cats? Nothing like vaccination have ever happened to them. I didn't even remember if my sister cleaned them up properly before bringing them into the house. I had to apply a court order for they not to get closer than 2 meters from me. But however good my sister was to them, one day one of them accidentally being crushed to death by my mother's car. My sister conducted an honored funeral ceremony on a hill close to home, attended by her friends and my mother and my gran. Have you ever heard of such a fuss being made over a dead cat??? Oh, how I hate those creatures!

Then something changed my view about cats in general. Several years ago when I first came to Holland and saw Holland's cat for the first time, I couldn't believe my eyes. Were those fat, fluffy cute animal the same kind with the skinny miserable wretch we had at home? Their price was more expensive than what my parents earned in one moth. Their size was like twice as big and three times as fat as our cats. They normally curled up comfortably in a sofa in front of the heater. Their foods were probably better than what my people eat at home; pure meats or cat biscuits supplemented with nutrition and all vitamins you could think of. They were always smiling and playing around, they looked exactly like the cats you see in book covers or Lucifer's box. I didn't even know such cats exist at all. I always thought those advertised cats were graphically made :D

On the evening, they troddle behind their proud owner who makes sure they were properly cleaned and fattenned up. During the weekends, they went to a special training place where they were properly educated and ensuring well-behaved. Vaccination papers and documents were lined up in order for each of them, and you can trace their ancestor up to probably 50 years back. You know, probably their great great grandcat have been the cat of the great-great grandmother of Queen Wilhelmina? How could I not love them when they purred and looked at me like Puss in Boots from Shrek??

You see, it is easy to take care of something trained, clean, and expensive. It's effortless to make friends with cats whose luck and lifestyle might be overly inhumane (yeah. with foods brought up to them and no work needs to be done except being nice to their old lady, what else could you want more??). But it is very difficult to love those cats I had back home, with their infected eyes and smelly fur. What beautiful was, all the nasty digusting things necessary to take care of the cats back home was done with pleasure by my sister. The last time I saw them, they were not as bad as before. They fattened up a bit, most of the wounds have dissappeared, no tickle anymore ( I hope), and their eyes were clean as a clean cat eyes can be. They were nowhere near Holland's cats, but everytime I remember them I was amazed (a little bit) by the magic of bravery and love; those of my sister for accomodating others who were in need.

I wish I was her

2009-02-11T12:16:00.000-08:00

She smiles happily in the picture I saw on the digital web. She took one arm of her beloved and hugged it tight in her own. She graduated with a very satisfactionary degree from a top university. She work in a top finance company and earn enough to get her settled with her new family.

She once have had the heart of my dearest. They made the most beautiful memories I can never see. She could just walk accross next door anytime she wish to see him. He once said she was the one he wished to spend the rest of his life with.

Her house was big enough to accomodate 50 people. The door to her house complete with flight tickets are always available upon her requests. Winter and summer holidays with the whole family are written in the annual agendas.

She worships God our Lord as how He want us to do. She never misses one Sunday without praying to Him and thank Him for His grace. She never feels poor nor miserable because she knows God will always be with her.

She posed with mini skirt and cute top and high heels. Her long hair flew around her face and her lips parted in that sweet aquiescence. She was not pretty yet she was radiantly beautiful.

Let the waves of oath befall upon me for my envy and ungratefulness, for I wish I was her.

G.H.O.S.T.S

2009-01-26T10:35:00.000-08:00

Let me guide you one of the topics I'd like to discuss the most: ghostly incidence and the behind story. I've always been a fans of horror movies, literatures, or actual phenomenon. By horror, I mean not a texas-chainsaw-massacre kind of things, but more like Shutter-type stories.

Right now I want to bring you to recognition that sometimes the spirit from the past could be recorded on the several digital devices, such as radio, computer, or cameras. This has been proved by the existance of several potographs which contained figures that were not there when they were taken, or simply could not possibly there at all for the recorded figures had since long gone. However, since it is now very possible to animate pictures, it is difficult to judge if a picture is genuine. Therefore I choose several classic photographs which were unlikely to be animated. Those mostly were taken in the 60's.

There are 5 photographs out of maybe 30 that left a certain impression on me. I will share them with you and see if they also left the same impression on you.

This photo was a group potrait of a military squadron which had served in World War I, taken in 1919. In the back of the man positioned on the top row, four from the left, can clearly be seen a ghostly image of another man (see circle). The face was easily recognized by the airmen as belong to an air mechanic who had accidentally been killed two days previously by airline propeller. His funeral has taken place the day this photograph was taken.

It was suggested that this man, unaware of his death, had decided to turn up on this group photograph. It is such a scary yet touching assumption that he was very devoted to his squadron even after his death. In my mind, I think people would always want to come to the place where they were happiest the most. Maybe then for him, the happiest moment was when he served with this squadron.

The second photograph (and slightly scarier than the first) was that of a lonely-looking young woman in an out-of-date white dress sitting on a tombstone. of her body (in the leg area) were a bit transparent. This photograph was taken by an infrared camera by a ghost hunting group who had experienced some anomalies with their equipment as they got closer to the spot.

The woman in this picture indeed seemed so lonely yet undisturbed. It makes me wondering who or what possibly was she waiting for. Was she burried in the same area, or was she just came as a visitor. This photograph was in my opinion a very good and clear snapshot of a parnormal phenomenon.

A woman was visiting the grave of her daughter in Australia, in 1947 or 1947. Her daughter had just died several weeks earlier at the age of 17. She took a photograph of her grave, but did not see any unusual when she did so. However, when she developed the film, she was astonished to see an image of a baby sitting happily on her daughter's grave. The ghost child seemed aware of her camera and looked directly at it. The expert has rule out the possibility of double exposure. Moreover, she did not recall of any child nearby the spot. She also did not believe the ghost as that of her daughter's.

This was scary because the baby seemed very real, yet it certainly did not. For one, usually it was difficult to depict a face in a ghostly figure, but the baby's face in this picture was clearly visible. Again, it's leg was transparent and she wore a white out-of-date clothing pieces. What makes white garment so special for those paranormal creatures? If she's still there until now, I'm glad that at least she was happy with her surrounding.

This photo was taken in 1959. A lady was visiting a grave site of her mother with her husband. She brought along a camera to take a picture of the grave site. After taking a few snapshot of the grave site, she took a photo of her husband who was sitting alone, waiting in the car. At least they thought he was alone. When she developed the film, they were surprised to see a figure wearing glasses sitting at the backseat of the car. She immediately recognized the figure as her mother, whose graveyard they had just visited that day. Experts have judged this picture as genuine.

The figure at the backseat did not look happy at all. There was some dark shadow surround it that made her glasses glowing. It looked as if it was watching the man in the front with a lot of awareness and suspicion. How far did it followed them that day? Was it coming home with them at the backseat of the car that day?...

The last and the scariest of all is the ghost of Tulip staircase. This famous photograph was taken in 1966, and initially was intended as a memorabilia of this elegant spiral staircase in the Queen's house section of the National Maritim Museum in England. Upon development, the photo reveal a shrouded figure climbing the stairs, and apparently holding the railing with two hands. Any possibility of tampering had been ruled out be the experts. This picture was apparently not the only evidence of ghostly presence in Tulip Staircase. Several people have witnessed a figure of a lady gliding from room to room, an unexplainable choral chanting of children, and the figure of a pale woman frantically mopping blood at the bottom of the staircase (said to be a maid from 300 years ago who was thrown 50 feet from the highest banister to her death), a banging doors, and some more.

This shrouded figure does not look like human to me. It is more like some unshaped creatures between cat or lion with human hands. What kind of creature climb a stairs like that? If someday that shroud was open, what would be visible underneath? I don't want to know.

Karena meskipun kau ganteng, kau bukanlah untukku

2008-12-14T06:58:00.000-08:00

Aku tahu kau ganteng.
Tubuh tinggi rambut berdiri hidung mancung,
Bibir merah, mata menatap tajam dan dada bidang.
Kau berlari dua kali sehari dan berenang dua hari sekali
Demi figur Apollo yang melekat dengan indahnya pada dirimu
Tiap kali kau berdiri di depan cermin
Dari belakang kukagumi ciptaan Tuhan yang satu ini.
Tiap kali kau tersenyum memamerkan gigi putihmu yang kecil-kecil,
Ku merasa dunia ikut tersenyum bersamamu.

Tapi sayang, sungguh sayang
Tiap kau bicara yang keluar hanyalah celaan
`yang ini cerewet, yang itu tidak cantik´
`yang satu munafik, yang lain jual diri´
Tapi sayang, sungguh sayang
Yang ada di kepalamu hanyalah drama Jepang dan Angelina Jolie dalam tiga dimensi
Kau hanya diam saat ku tanyakan tentang Laskar Pelangi dan Haruki Murakami

Jadi sayang, sungguh sayang
Tiap kali kau bicara atau diam ku tak lagi melihat Dewa Yunani di cermin pagi tadi
Matamu yang tajam menyipit dan senyum mu menjadi seringai
Taring panjang menggantikan gigi putihmu yang kecil-kecil
Ejekanmu menutupi semua gaung tawamu
Dan kau bukan lagi Apollo dari legenda Artemis
Lebih mirip Cyclops si raksasa bermata satu
Yang ditakuti semua awak kapal Oddysey

Jadi sayang, sungguh sayang
Meskipun kau ganteng kau bukanlah untukku
Kau buat ku palingkan muka karena kesinisanmu
Kau buat ku gertakkan gigi karena kemasa-bodohanmu
Selamat tinggal, hybrid Apollo-Cyclops ku
Karena meskipun kau ganteng, kau bukanlah untukku.

Welcome to my world

2008-11-28T15:31:00.000-08:00

The line below was a typical conversation during the first week's Monday meeting in my office. One pHd student and his/her technician give a presentation about their progress and their work. Since our research centered in the mechanism of natural immune system, all member of our research group work with materials from patient and donor, mainly bone marrow, core blood, saliva, or such.

Presenter : "...thus so far we are still trying to figure out how to generate enough cell from a limited sample in order to see the expression of this and that marker on this and that population, and to do this and that future experiment. We also wanted to relate clinical phenotype with the result if that's possible, which so far isn't because of confidential reasons".

Colleague : "Can't you thaw frozen materials from this patient, or get DLI materials from other patient with similar phenotype?"

My boss : "The problem is we only have 3 patients that meet our criteria. We certainly cannot access patient's detail, but I can tell you that the material in which we are interested in couldn't be recollected. That particular patient experienced swelling and fever while on holiday, and the doctor who treated her just removed the lession and throw it away without preserving anything. What a waste. She died shortly afterwards".

.....

Then, we all take a glance in the slide which represented the time of injection, immune response, course of treatment, and relapse of the patients. At the end of the line, there was three very small crosses which was colored red, blue, and black.

Colleague : "Ah. So all three patient have died already?"
My boss : "Yes. They all died within 5 years course. ".

......

Okay, okay, I get it. I will treat every bone marrow aspirates, every buffy coat, and every thawed cryo vials with respects and care, since maybe the original owner of those materials are watching me from heaven while I centrifuge a part of them in a 96 well plates and analyze them in FACS machine (hoe they are praying for the success of my experiments as well). Those part of them will live long in the FACS sheets folder in my table, at least as long as it takes for the paper to keep intact before time and air destroy them.

...Because I'm neither dumb or blind

2008-10-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

I used to think that my life was a big ship adventure where I rode and just follow the wave . Life was a bungee-jumping game where you could just close your eyes, jump, and when you fall, there would be a rope tied to your leg that prevents you from crushing on the hard ground. Life was a lullaby in the cotton cloud where you would be caught in case you fell. And life was a big of unknown dreams where you could shape it the way you wanted.

I could have decided to just jump to the ocean when I thought I have stood too close to the brink of my ship, and there would be no way back. I could have let a shark ripped my soul to pieces in that dark water, and they would have been floating away lonely and miserable. I could have decided to let the rope in my leg tightly loose, just for the sake of its thrill. I could have let my head brushed against the hard ground just to see if I could duck right on time. It just take a little push of an index finger, since I'm just a human whose mind is fragile to temptation. There were a lot of others who have let themselves free and screaming out loud, asking me to also be there.

But I was created with two eyes to see, two ears to hear, a heart to listen, and wisdom to think. All I need to do is just stop for a while, set my eyes and ears open, and take a look around for I will see the little paths and step holders that I fail to see in my rush. All I need to do is open my heart to the voice of Doubt, for doubt means that wisdom is guiding me to see the light I fail to see when I blindly walk. There will be times when I fall, but it´s alright because I know I could still turn back. For I´m neither dumb or blind...

Wish list

2008-09-18T07:26:00.001-07:00

As a follower of a recent trend among my friends, we are no longer guessing the appropriate gift for a birthday person, but instead, asking them directly for what they wanted. The birthday person is also unashamedly making a wishing list that contains something totally impossible (a.k.a very expensive), to something that they know they could get. Here it is, the wishing list of mine.

1. iPhone (okay I know nobody's gonna give me this)
2. iPod video (ehm.. I think I can still hope)
3. Samsung f480 Touchwizz
4. Laptop stand with fan
5. Kadobon for Bijenkorf
6. kadobon for SPS

But still, I want iPhonee huhu

HP 530 (new laptop ballads part II)

2008-09-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

Like I told you from the older post, I recently welcomed a new laptop (which if you wanna know, was credited for two years. Means I can't run way from Holland for two years. Otherwise I'm blacklisted forever) HP 530.

Í would like to thank Reyner Karnali, Alsya Affandi, and Reggie Raynaldi for all the critics and advices (quote from Reyner: you can turn on the laptop, then take a bath and a short nap, and that laptop is not even booted up yet). You all take part in this recent purchase. So you don't need to worry anymore the next time you come visit me :-)

My lovely laptop

2008-08-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

Last week Oom Tony told me about a potential buyer of my four year old laptop. He assured me that this buyer would give me a pretty good deal, and he would lend me one of his many laptops while I'm looking for a new one. The price of new laptop has decreased considerably during these years, and now you can get one with 400-500 euro which would have costed you double four years ago. There is also a good deal with the mobile company, in which you could get a new laptop together with a cell phone and a certain abonement agreement just by paying 20 euro per months for 2 years. In short, today is the good time to ditch your old smelly laptop and get a new shiny one.

My laptop needs 10 minutes to boot up (you can take a shower and come back and it's still in the boot-up process). 5 minutes after on, the machine would growl like crazy and the board get as hot as a stove. It is completely useless without the non-stop plugged in battery. It has no webcam, no internal bluetooth, no card reader, no wireless, no DVD or CD burner, no nothing. It weighs like a ton, has no brand, 512 upgraded memory and 40GB internal disc (trust me, those are very very lame in this MacBook era) and was a bit dirty from a non-stop four years exposure to a student life. I was amazed if it could sell at all.

But however ugly my laptop is, it has accompanied me during this time without any major complaint. The keyboards are intact and the speaker never fails. It stays with me in the sleepless nights during my second years report craze, and it hold on when I typed my bloody thesis and presentation. If love exist, it would be justifiable to say that I'm in love with it. If soulmate exist, it was one of the many souls I have. It was a part of me. It knows my bank balances (which shown that I'm always broke) and the dirty little secrets and the skeleton in my closet. Those priceless and unrepleaceable things make me think twice to say yes to the offer.

Then Oom lend me his laptop. A shiny new Hewlett Packard with 2GB working memory and 1024 GB internal disc. Takes 5 seconds to boot up, one second to open a webpage, and a Window vista operator who said "welcome to Windows Vista. I am your official intelligent" every time I log in. It has a DVD and CD burner, weigh half as my old one, and is equipped with a wireless and a card reader. Wow. He said I could get the same laptop with the cellphone abonement system and an additional 70 euro. As you expected, this good deal shake my determination and cut the crap about those sentimentil things I've written in the previous paragraph :-)

So tomorrow afternoon I will say goodbye to my old friend. I'm sure he would be happier with the new owner. Finally he will be at peace. And maybe I will make a new acquintance soon. Yohooo!!

The legend of Narcissus

2008-07-22T02:15:00.000-07:00

Narcissus by Carravagio

Narcissus, the handsome self-admirer who had chosen to die than turned away from his reflection in the lake. So handsome he was, that when he grew up not only women and girls but also other men fell in love with him. When he was born, his parents asked if he would live a long life. The answer was "yes, if he never knew himself".

Unfortunately, despite so many controversy on winning his heart, he could never have loved anybody else once he set eyes upon his own reflection in the lake. He was so much fascinated by what he saw there, and not being able to find consolation, he died of thirst at the brim of the lake. For if he had reached to take a drink, he would have shattered his image into thousands of pieces.

So famous this myth is, so that Narcissus is nowadays used cassually to name a person who take an excessive care of him/herself. If someone couldn't help glancing towards everytime he/she walk pass a mirror, automatically Narcissist would attach behind his/her own name.

However, recently I read a contemporer version of Narcissus story that goes like this: upon his death, one of the God asked the lake if it was sad to be the cause of death of someone as beautiful as Narcissus. The lake said, "yes, I am really sad. Not because someone as beautiful as him has to die, but because in the reflection in his eyes I could see my own beauty. Now I have none I could reflect my self into"...

Ahem. This is very interesting. This lake was like the people who surround the narcissist, and in their silence they laugh for they know they are not as shallow as the narcissist. In him/her, they see their own beauty... Is it possible?

The day you goes away

2008-07-19T17:27:00.001-07:00

19.07.08. 11o'clock
Your cheek rested in my head
Talking to me, how much you're gonna miss me
Borrow the bluetooth device

19.070.8. 11.30
My arms in your shoulders,
Yours in my waist
Our face so close,
And I bade you goodbye

19.07.08. 11.45
Sit in your empty room
Two suitcases
I stand up, open my arms
You took me in,
And gave me something precious
Over and over again.

19.07.08. 12o'clock
Three plastic bags
You told me maybe we could make it works somehow
I said we could try later
And I bade you another goodbye.

20.07.08. 02.45
Sit in my chair,
Write this piece
Miss you terribly
Even though you're just one step away
Maybe I'll give you what you want later

20.07.08. 9o'clock
You board the train.
So early, foggy summer morning
And taking away a piece of my heart.

- tribute for Brucie-

A temporary end to my sleepless nights

2008-07-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is one of my biggest days during this four years. THE presentation in front of so many people (thanks to the much-excessive invitations I sent last week). It won't take more than 1 hour, or 1.5 hours at most, but just imagine how long I remained rigid in front of the pc screen with the cups of black coffee and long abandoned spaghetti? hahaha.
Anyway, after tomorrow I'm going to take it easy for a day before getting immersed again in the unfinished bussiness such as reports and the end defense. Still long way to go, 2 more weeks before the internship's finish, moving back to my cozy den in Nijmegen. By then, hopefully the report is finish, the presentation time has somehow magically shorter itself into a mere 20 minutes (now it's half a-hour) and everything's working out.

Pray for me, would you??

The Prophet on Crime and Punishment

2008-06-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

...then one of the judges of the city stood forth and said, "Speak to us of crime and Punishment".
Ans he answered saying:
It is when your spirit goes wandering upon the wind,
That you, alone and unguarded, commint wrong unto others and therefore unto yourself.
And for that wrong committed must you knock and wait awhile unheeded at the gate of the blessed.
Like the ocean is your god-self;
It remains for ever undefiled.
And like the ether it lifts but the winged.
Even like the sun is your God-self;
It knows not the ways of the mole nor seeks it the holes of the serpent.
But your god-self does not dwell in your being.
Much in you is still a man, and much in you is still not yet man,
But a shapeless pygmy that walks asleep in the mist searching for its own awakening.
And of the man in you would I now speak.
For it is he and not your god-self nor the pygmy in the mist, that knows crime and the punishment of crime.
Oftentimes have I heard you speak of one who commits a wrong as though he were not one of you, but a stranger unto you and an intruder upon your world
But I say that even as the holy and the righteous cannot rise beyond the highest which is in each one of you,
So the wicked and the weak cannot fall lower than the lowest which is in you also.
And as a single leaf turns not yellow but with the silent knowledge of the whole tree,
So the wrong-doer cannot do wrong without the hidden will of you all.
Like a procession you walk together towards your god-self.
You are the way and the wayfarers.
And when one of you falls down he falls for those behind him, a caution against the stumbling stone.
Ay, and he falls for those ahead of him, who though faster and surer of foot, yet removed not the tumbling stone.
And this also, though the word lie heavy upon your hearts:
The murdered is not accountable for his own murder,
And the robbed is not blameless in being robbed.
The righteous is not innocent of the deeds of the wicked,
And the white-handed is not clean in the doings of the felon.
Yes, the gulty is oftentimes the victim of the injured,
And still more often the condemned is the burden-bearer for the guiltless and unblamed.
You cannot separate the just from the unjust and the good from the wicked;
For they stand together before the face of the sun even as black thread and the white and woven together.
And when the black thread breaks, the weaver shall look into the whole cloth, and he shall examine the loom also.
If any of you would bring the judgement to the unfaithful wife,
Let him also weight the heart of her husband in scales, and measure his soul with measurement.

.....

What's written above is obe verse from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. Even if it's difficult to interpret what's written in this masterpiece, it is quite easy to understand what this verse meant: THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU PLACE YOUR JUDGEMENT UPON SOMEONE ELSE, FOR HIS POSITION COULD HAVE BEEN VERY EASILY YOURS, TOO.

Walk with your heart AND your head

2008-06-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

When I was so little I used to be really really happy when my mom came and gave me one little sweet candy. I would laugh out loud and thanked her thoroughly. I would taste the candy and feel every precious lick as if I would not get a hold on another candy for ever. But then, after several minutes the candy got smaller and smaller until it finished completely, left me with only one white small stick as a reminiscence of the big big happiness I felt just a moment before. Then came the sadness emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

When I was a bit bigger I would jump to the door when I heard my grandma's voice calling my name from the door. I would run and run and hug her and told her how much I missed her. We would play the whole afternoon and she would listen to everything I said, even if it was just a child talk. We would have fun and have a nice meal that seemed to last just a second. And then came the moment when she had to go home and left me with another years before I could smell her skin and hair again, feel her soft and wrinkled hand caressing me again. Then the familiar pang of sadness and emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

When those rare meetings were taken away from me as she passed away so suddenly in the early morning thirteen years ago, when I realized I would never feel her touch and see her smile again, when I saw my grandpa cried over her final rest and witnessed how much he lost her, when I felt the tears streaming down my cheek and I couldn't stop myself from wailing from my lost; thinking that my world would never be the same again, I knew it was time to learn to shield myself away from those sadness and emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

When it was time to learn to share my heart with my high school sweetheart, I would embrace every day with smile and went to school with full spirit. The world seemed so bright and promising and everyday was heaven on earth. I would enjoy every minute we spent together, from the moment we sat on his car to the time when we called each other from the radio to say goodnight and goodluck. I would feel the strength of his hand when he put it around my shoulder. Then came the time when our paths were no longer crossing each other and we should go to our separate ways. Again and again the familiar sadness emptiness and that particular feeling caused by subside happiness...

The aftertaste of happiness, is REGRET. Because after everything was gone, the pain and hollow were almost unbearable. God creates everything in balance. Happiness and sadness are like two surface on the same coin; when one is awake, the other is lurking in the dark. There was not one could last forever because another would never sleep for long. Behind a happiness there's always a sorrow. And the greater the happiness, the greater the sorrow. Balance. Libra.

I don't need these unbearable sadness and emptiness and regret anymore. I need a wall. I need a distance. I need a brake. I need less emotion. I need a composure. I need calmness. I need a warning. A warning not to be too happy.

You and me...

2008-05-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

Cause it's you and me,
and all of the people
with nothing to do, nothing to loose
And it's you and me,
and all of the people
And I don't know why,
I can't keep my eyes off of you.
- you and me by Lifehouse-

That's so true, it's just you and me with all the people. And it's true I can't keep my eyes off of you.
So why not just give it a shot and see how it goes? I pray to God to show me the way of dealing with our thing, and just when I'm finished, this song was heard through my random playlist. I take it as His way of showing me not to be affraid because it's just you and me. I pray to him not to let me down so low when the outcome was not as I expected. We're no longer schoolchildren who can say we're happy just by seeing each other happy.

The truth is, I think my happiness lies with you. And I think I really can't keep my eyes off of you.

The places where I grew up

2008-05-08T16:42:00.000-07:00

1986-1987: Semarang, Tanah Mas
Dari cerita mami, this so so little me had nothing better to do except screwing arround her papers and messing her works. Selalu nangis teriak-teriak kalo oma mau pulang ke Purworejo, selalu nangis teriak-teriak ketakutan kalo oma co dateng dari Jakarta.

1987 - 1989: Jakarta, Cipulir
Hmm I can't recall much of this place, except of its palm trees and yard. Jaman masih kecil belum punya gigi, tahunya cuma ketawa-nangis-ngedot-minta gendong mami. The image of the 3-year old me was a plump little girl with short hair and chubby cheeks, unsynchronized eyes (hahaha), smiling while riding a 3 wheels bike.

1989-1995: Kutoarjo
Masa-masa TK sampai kelas 4 SD, ketemu sahabat sekaligus saingan tak terkalahkan dan tak terlupakan. Rebutan ayunan sama Chandra & Adi W di TK Pius, makan nasi bungkus dari kantin sekolah. Uang 100 rupiah bisa makan siomay sampe kenyang, oh what a world. Les renang. Pagi-pagi digangunin mami dan digotong ke kamar mandi. Anak SD yang pengen cepet-cepet ke SMP. Naik sepeda sore-sore rame-rame, ke arah sunset di bukit deket rumah

1995-2001: Purworejo
Yayy akhirnya SMP, udah merasa gede, pake rok biru yang ga berkibar-kibar lagi kaya pas SD. Main basket sore-sore sampe jadi item, main gitar di aula sekolah sama anak-anak asrama cowok yang dulu terlihat amat sangat keren, padahal in reality bau dan tak pernah mandi hehehe. The after-class unforgettable moment when I, well we, did something we shouldn't have done but it's okay. Ngegosip sama temen-temen tentang itazura na kis ( both movie and reality). Wah pengen cepet-cepet SMA nih.

2001-2004: Jogjakarta, kotabaru
The most noticeable moment in my life. Tinggal serumah bareng 13 anak cewek lain dari berbagai kota, dari yang ngomong medok banget sampe yang ga bisa ngomong jawa. Dari yang punya pacar naik mobil sampe punya pacar naik sepeda. Main CS bareng Ryo. Makan soto di kantin; renang jumat sore; tidur pas pelajaran pak Pram; project biology dibayarin sama pak ari; nyontek pas akuntansi; tidur pas retret; cat rambut tindik kuping; kabur pas upacara; sederetan catetan pelanggaran di buku bu Nanik; pelajaran seni tari yang bikin pegel; Still overshadowed by the someone I did something I shouldn't have done with; Punya geng F6 sampe akhirnya ketemu Chika & Ndhu2, my best ever pas kelas 3. Wish the time would stop at this point. Rasanya kita masih bisa jadi apa saja, bisa terbang ke langit. The most enjoyable moment when we were not kids anymore but not adults yet.

2004: Groesbeek, the Netherlands
Rumah di tengah-tengah peternakan, dihuni oleh 4 orang asia under age. Mikir mau ambil halte yang mana tiap pagi. Tidur di bus. Sauna & renang sore-sore. kenapa SMA lewat begitu cepat?

2004-2007: Nijmegen, the Netherlands
first year, second year, third year gone so fast. Oh please brake the time and let us unload our burden for a while. Reports, experiments, internships, frantically wishing for more hours in a day. kangen masa dimana masih bisa naik sepeda roda 3, main gitar di aula sekolah, dan ke galeria mall habis pulang sekolah. Masa-masa dimana keegoisan tidak punya tempat. Homesick mendera lebih sering dari apapun. Memandang dunia dalam kehitam dan putihan tanpa ada area abu-abu diantaranya. The childish soul acted strong. Just realize that a few childhood friends last more than ever.

2007-2008: Eindhoven, the Netherlands
The final year that determines everything. Rumah penuh dengan imigran eropa yang ga bisa bahasa belanda. Menikmati masa-masa ngafe dan clubbing yang sebetulnya hanya escapism. Desperate untuk betul-betul mengerem waktu. Merasa tidak bisa melakukan yang terbaik. Stress, takut, dan berusaha pasrah dan mendekatkan diri pada Yang Kuasa. Desperate untuk meminta lebih dari 24 jam dalam sehari. Homesick. berpapasan dengan 2 orang yang mengajarkan banyak hal dalam waktu singkat. I would give anything to be back to that 3-wheeled bikes and going out to see the sunset in that hill again...

Deja-Vu

2008-04-23T02:39:00.001-07:00

Beberapa hari yang lalu, seorang temen SMU yang udah lama banget ga pernah kontak mendadak menyapa di MSN. Dasar manusia selalu berprasangka, pikiran pertama yang hinggap di pikiran adalah “wah, pasti ada apa-apanya nih. Ga mungkin dia cuma ngajak chat untuk sekedar tanya-tanya kabar atau haha-hihi doang”. Untungnya, saya nggak salah berprasangka kali ini karena prasangka saya terbukti ada benernya. Dia sedang punya masalah dengan X, cowoknya yang sudah dipacari sejak kelas 3 SMU. (gila, banyak juga ternyata orang yang betah pacaran lama-lama sama orang yang sama. Ga bosen apa ketemu orang itu-itu doang tiap hari? Hehehe sotoy =). Dengan sotoynya lagi, saya bilang kalo dia hebat banget bisa bertahan selama 4 tahun pacaran sama The coldest and scariest person ever, si Mr. X. Ohhh betapa salahnya kalimat ini, karena ternyata itulah akar dari semua permasalahan temen saya tercinta.

From the beginning, I told her that maybe she couldn’t get any useful suggestion from me, but I was all ears if she still wanted to tell her story. Mulailah curhat standard sesama cewek yang pernah begitu deket jaman semuanya masih indah, tapi sekarang cuma dua orang asing yang kebetulan bertemu di MSN. Well, sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than to someone you know, rite? Masalahnya, selama 4 tahun ini dia merasa Mr. X ga pernah serius menganggap dia ceweknya. Dia nggak pernah bilang “aku sayang kamu”, selalu lupa tanggal jadian mereka, ngga pernah ngasih cokelat valentine, dsb dsb. Yah, saya bisa bilang kalo itu wajar. Cowok nggak sepeka cewek dalam mengingat-ingat hal ga penting kaya begitu (saya termasuk kategori cewek cuek yang nggak pernah inget begituan juga. Tahunya cuma bisa terima coklat valentine tanpa pernah memberi balik =D tapi saya seneng lho dikasih coklat hehehe).

So I told her for not thinking anything stupid, karena dia adalah cewek yang udah berhasil menaklukan the coldest and scariest Mr. X, yang dulu terkenal di SMA saya (yang isinya cewek semua) dengan reputasinya yang anti cewek. Jangan salah, dia sama sekali nggak kemayu (kalau kemayu dan anti cewek bisa jadi dia gay). Lalu saya ajak dia untuk mengingat-ingat poin-poin si Mr. X yang bagus, yang bikin dia jatuh hati dulu. Dia bilang, si X ini bener-bener macho dan keren. Orang yang bisa diandalkan dalam segala situasi, berjiwa kepemimpinan, pinter, atletik, sekarang udah kerja di salah satu perusahaan terkemuka di Jakarta, udah deh pokoknya menantu idaman. Saya setuju, karena si Mr x yang saya kenal dulu memang begitu orangnya. Ortu masing2 juga sudah tau dan sudah merestui hubungan mereka. Those things left me in question about what is not working? Kalau cuma masalah nggak inget hari valentine atau lupa tanggal jadian kan biasa, bukan masalah besar lah.

Dia makin bersemangat mengetik. Ternyata, si Mr X ini bukan hanya dingin dan pelit dalam berkata-kata gombal, dia juga dingin dan pelit dalam menunjukkan lewat sentuhan, ciuman, pelukan, ato gandengan tangan. Pokoknya selama 4 tahun masa pacaran mereka, Mr X nggak pernah berubah. Kalau mereka berjalan di publik, mereka jarang sekali bergandengan tangan. Mereka ciuman pipi hanya kalau akan berpisah saja. Ciuman yang lain saya nggak tahu dan nggak mau tahu hehehe. Moreover, sifat-sifat Mr X yang nyaris sempurna (macho, leadership talent, athletic, masa depan cerah, dsb) ditambah sifat dinginnya, adalah kombinasi yang mematikan. Kombinasi ini menyebabkan teman saya merasa insecure, merasa inferior, dan terjebak. Insecure karena dia tidak pernah bisa menebak apa yang ada di pikiran Mr X, inferior karena dia merasa Mr X terlalu bagus dan dia terlalu jelek, dan terjebak karena semua orang terus menerus berkata betapa beruntungnya dia. Dia merasa banyak orang yang merasa terkhianati kalau sampai dia merasa nggak puas dengan hubungan mereka yang tampaknya sangat sempurna. Dia nggak bisa membayangkan bagaimana caranya bertahan begitu terus untuk waktu yang amat sangat lama (kalau suatu hari nanti mereka married). Oh ternyata begitu.

Saya bertanya apakah dia sudah pernah mencoba mengkomunikasikan masalah ini ke Mr X; apakah dia pernah menunjukkan pada si X kalau dia haus belaian (astaga bahasanya). Pertanyaan yang salah ternyata, sodara-sodara. Karena dia tidak berani mengatakan ini. Dia sudah berusaha mengambil langkah pertama dengan menggandeng tangan, memeluk duluan, dsb, tapi tanggapannya selalu tidak memuaskan. Selalu dijawab dengan “apaan sih kamu?”, atau “manja banget sih!” atau jawaban-jawaban lain yang serupa. Untuk langsung mengkonfrontasi, dia tidak berani (bisa dibayangkan. Si Mr X ini bener-bener menyeramkan). Dia bilang “I should have known when we were still trying to know each other. I should have seen the sign because he was already like that since the beginning. I thought he would change once we were in a relationship, but apparently not.”Sebenernya dalam hari saya mulai berpikir kalo si Mr. X ini mungkin emang beneran gay. Saya simpan pikiran ini dalam hati saja karena kulit saya belum setebal badak sampai berani bilang terang-terangan. Saya menyesal karena tidak bisa memberi saran lebih jauh. So I bade her goodbye and good luck with solving her problem.

Cerita saya tampaknya sudah berakhir dan anda masih bertanya-tanya dimana Deja-Vu nya? Saya terdiam dan merasa mengalami Deja-Vu karena sekarang saya juga kebetulan dekat dengan seseorang yang sangaaat mirip dengan Mr. X, sebut saja Mr. Y (wah lama-lama mirip cerita kriminal di Detik.com, pakai inisial semua hehehe). Orang yang perfect, atletik, pinter, dari keluarga baik-baik, mapan, tapi dingin seperti es. Saya juga berpikir bahwa siakpnya akan berbeda dengan cewek yang sudah jadi pacarnya, but who the hell knows? Yang jelas saya yakin dia bukan gay =D. Persamaan kedua, saya juga tidak berani mengatakan langsung pada si Y kalau saya pengen digandeng, dipeluk, etc. Saya even ga berani mengambil langkah duluan karena rasanya si Y ini egonya mengalahkan luas samudra Pasifik;COWOK YANG HARUS MULAI DULUAN. Resiko malu tidak sebanding dengan tindakan itu. Banyak juga orang yang menghormati Mr. Y ini. Yang membedakan saya dan temen curhat saya ini hanyalah status. Saya bukan pacar Mr. Y dan saya tidak mengenal dia seperti temen saya mengenal Mr. X. Merasa senang karena ada teman senasib bukanlah poin saya.

The point is, I’m glad for knowing that I’m not the only girl who think that affection, hugs, kisses, and touch are necessary in showing the people that you like them. I’m glad for knowing that I’m not a maniac for wanting to be hugged and having my hands held. I’m glad for knowing that it’s probably okay for not brave enough to tell the people we like that we want to be hugged and having our hands held…

Why we need DORAMAS

2008-04-20T12:23:00.000-07:00

I have always been sarcastic towards any kind of dramas. They were full of bullshit and stupidity so blatant I don't even know if I should laugh or cry. They make me sneer. Cover my eyes with blanket or any other objects I could find. Horror is not a ghastly image approaching from the dark; it was those romantic scenes in the dramas.

Then I start to question my "dignity". Is it because of those irritating plots that I hate dramas, or is it out of envy and realization that those plots would never happen in reality? Anyway, to see how it is actually, I decided to watch one. Just something not Hollywood-ish (like eastenders or the OC or the likes), definitely not Bollywood-ish or Indonesian (what with those sinetrons; are you kidding me?!). So I went for a recommended Japanese dorama that won several awards and made around a decade ago: Long Vacation.

Cosists of 10 or so episodes, this drama centered around Senna, an inspired musician, who fell in love with one of his piano students but rejected by her. As if this is not enough, he needed to share his house with his runaway roomate-bride who didn't have a place to stay. As the time goes by, they fell in love with each other sweetly that Senna asked her to go with him to NY Phillharmonic. You might think the story is cheesy from the way I described them, and I agree. However, I didn't cover my eyes this time. Nor did I sneer. The story was so sweetly uncovered and its plot was okay (still not gonna happen in reality but the possibility is not zero either).

After I'm done, I come to one conclusion: Long Vacation wasn't that bad. It gives me the feeling of wanting to fall to someone so bad I could lost all the logic and walk blindly with only my heart as a pointer (I was talking crap, sorry). But anyway, it ensure me more that my place is there, far far away in Asia and not here. Western didn't know the sweetness of shyness and all blushing thingy when you're confronted with someone you really like. I think I know, and I treasure that feeling.

Raiffeisenstratter

2008-04-17T11:54:00.000-07:00

Raiffeisenstraat 7, 5611CH, Eindhoven, the Netherlands. An apartment in the central of Eindhoven located directly behind Pathe cinema and just a step away from the main station. The address of several non-Dutch speaker homeless employed by the biggest and the most lucrative firm in the Netherland, who by luck (or bad luck) have landed in Eindoven, where the majority of population is horse-rimmed computer IT gigs. So let me introduce you to the Raiffeisenstratter, the people whom I spent a marvellous time with.

here you go: raiffeisenstraat inhabitants 2008

Room 1: Hungarian girl
She was said to live in the room no 1 but nobody has ever seen her properly except for the brief "good morning" exchange. Such a mysterious character, noted by me and Amalia for her sharp facial features and similarly sharp boyfriend.

Room 2: Marc (the Spanish)
A Spanish who studied in France, excelled in French and Spanish. Likes to sleep alot, normally go out around 10 o'clock. Friendly, and like every Spanish, enjoy drinking and parties.

Room 3: Ben
Originally from Germany, he is the oldest in the house (literally in age and in the time he's been living in the house). He is the only person in the house who is not a student, own a fancy car, had been in Vietnam, had had a maid and a cook, and plays football. Recently he could only be seen one or two days during the week and spent the rest flying all around west Europe for work. His magic line for hitting on a girl was "spreek jij Nederland?", even when the girl was clearly a Dutch. It is advised not to sit beside him during poker plays unless you want to end up bruised by his punches when he lost. And he lost quite a lot :)

Room 4: Jordi
The first impression of him was that of a good dancer and a flamboyant gentleman. It was not so far from what he is, despite his strong denial that he is a good salsa dancer. His motto is "drink as much as you can". Could always be seen in all weekend student parties. An excellent robot programmer, and as predicted, always celebrate his achievement by another party :). Our nickname for him is Panda, caused by the black shadows that permanently accesorize his eyes.

Room 5: Shiva
Her curry is the spiciest dish during dinner in the house. Admit of being a sleep-addict, she put on an Indian music every 9 o'clock in the morning as an alarm. Unfortunately, her alarm normally works for all inhabitants except herself :). One with the best analytical chemistry skills that attract even unrelated companies such as retirement planning firm to offer her a job. A beautiful girl with long and shiny black hair and sweet smile.

Room 6: me
No comment. Obviously the most sane and sensible person in the house. Otherwise why would I be writing this blog trying to warn people about the danger lurk in Raiffeisenstraat 7?

Room 7: Marc (the Dutch)
The only Ducth-speaker person in the house (the native speaker, unlike Ben :) People would mistakenly thought he was seventeen-ish while infact he was much older than that. Curly blond hair and bright blue eyes remind you of the cherubs in Rafael's paint. However, never let him drink more than his share because he will start raising hell (or so he claimed). A creator of something resemble a molotov when he was just 14. Matthieu's best buddy for sitting in the window rim and mimicking a working mechanism of train: smoke

Room 8: Amalia
Has her birthday celebrated in the house recently. T-shirt with "sweet Lia, Raiffeisenstraat" is a prove of our affection to her. Inhabits the smallest but the tidiest room in the house. Has a (public) secret crush to her adorable French supervisor, whom I admit is indeed crushable and adorable :) A regular in Pathe, armed with the unlimited card that allows her to watch the movies with only 60cents a day.

Room 9: Bruce
His room should have "be careful, bite!" sign since he has tried every martial art courses in sport centre. From taekwondo to judo, and swimming to sauna. A good swimmer indeed. Never feel complete without having a super hot chilli paste in every dishes. His friendliness is as wide and big as his appetite :) but you must be wondering where all the food goes. Claimed to have a massive affection towards his only girlfriend: an electric guitar. An academic pursuer who wish to study until he couldn't think anymore.

Room 10: Matthieu
No one can stand his chocolate cakes, brownies, apple pie, or slagroom crackers. An amazing desert maker and thought to deserve the crown for the best cooker in the house. The best person to look for if you're short of ciggaretes :) Interested in hip-hop American style with all baggy pants and skateboard sneakers. Always look like he needs more sleep even though he's slept as long as a baby. Adapting quickly the student happy hours habit in Holland and could be found every Thursday in Tu/E bar.

Room 11: Yan Zhang
The fact that she was destined to live with half-barbarian people who consider the house as a pub down gradually to her. Gradually it is, she shows us her smiling face now and then. We still try to figure out the way to drag her out of her room and join us in this house of craze.

Room 12: Francesco
Our godfather in the house. The most social person, proven by the lunch invitation emails jumbled in our mailbox. Said to have a Russian complexion, a Greek accent, while infact he was a truly Italian. The best pasta and pizza maker in the house. Shares the love for an accoustic guitar with inhabitant room 6 (me) and 9 (Bruce). Never drink more than 3 glasses of liquor out of fear that his lever will fail him.

Room 13: Volker
Our photographer. Always create a cheery atmosphere with his arguments with Francesco. Never make appointment during the weekend because he will fly to Aachen to meet his lovely spouse. Noticeable with his "ja ja ja" phrase that could be heard anywhere and anytime. A true enterpreneur.

Room 14: Ping
A man of honour. His poker face is amazing it is hard to distinguish when he is serious and when he is joking. A big tall guy who makes all other Asians look like dwarf. Never fail to cook something amazing that requires more than 3 hours to cook. Not the youngest in the house, but looks like one.

The last but not least: basement guy
Nobody knows his name and just few inhabitants know his looks. Most will realize he lives in the basement after several months. Noticeable to have put all groceries outside his room and not inside like the other do. The only sign of his presence is the smell of Bob Marley's favourite side-dish that could be smelled from several meters radius.

Methicillin resistance staphylococcus aureus infection

2008-03-14T04:04:00.000-07:00

The recent outburst of a virulent strain of bacetria that resist many antibiotics appears to be killing more people annually than AIDS, empychma, or homicide, according to a study published this month in the Journal of the American Medical Association. The death of two teenage high school American Football players in Virgina is a tragic reminder of how Methicillin-resistance Staphylococcus Aeureus (MRSA) can prey on all of us.

Being said as infection mostly gay people, MRSA in fact has been found to be prone to people who are exposed to cut and scrapes, such as children and athelets, people who work in hospitals, have regular contact with health care workers, have recently taken such antibiotics as fluoroquinolones or cephalosporin, homosexual men indeed, military recruiters, and prisoners. MRSA typically spread by skin to skin contact, crowded conditions and the sharing of contaminated personal items.

MRSA infection symptoms is basically skin infection that started as a pimple, resembles boil or spider bite, but quickly worsens into an abscess or pus-filled blister or sore. Patients who have sores that won't heal or are filled with pus should be tested for MRSA infection. They should not try to squeeze or dry the sore since it could spread the infection to other parts of the skun or deeper into the body.

To avoid or lower the risk of MRSA infection, bathing regularly and washing hands before meals is just a start. Use antibacterial sanitizer after being in public places or have touch handrails and other highly trafficked surfaces are highly recommended. wash towels and sheets regularly, leave clothes in the dryer until they are completely dry. Remind kinds and teenager that personal items such as brushes, combs, razors, towels, makeup and cell phones ARE NOT TO BE SHARED.

Some people have posted the videos about MRSA in youtube.com, you could access it and get more information about the symptoms. Keep in mind that the videos are highly graphics.

The worried dreamer

2008-03-10T13:32:00.000-07:00

Snap me back to reality, slap me pull my feet off the ground.
For I'm a worried dreamer keep flying and can't keep my eyes bound
Pretending to laugh when I'm all about to puke
Trashing the presence of all images but bruise

Beautiful children don't know what they miss
Mercedes bling-bling long legged anorexic freaks
No bikes no rain no rice without grain
No Hitler no Einstein no hard-punk rock no brain
Those craps those know-nothing people claim

They dont know life is not in MTV
Where golden teeth dude make out with rocking ass curvy
We lost, struggle, avoiding your eyes
Left alone with no momma no daddy's smile

So go, the worried dreamer
Steal the wings from the birds and fly
Forget about those who weren't there
Because it's just us, the worried dreamer, and the sky

I would let you be

2008-03-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

"are you hitting on me?"

"would you let me be?"

How sweetly coincidental our nickname connected to each other, whether they were indeed purely coincidence or just one of demon's ways to tease me like it (now, but weirdly not then) normally does, I couldn't really tell. But hey, I think I've let you know that yes, I would let you be.

What we have are chemistry mathematics and mystics, from the calculation we did on the first trip in that damn cold cloudy Sunday full of delayed trains and long bus trip; to the time when we tried to logically talk each other out from our mysery amid the steaming smoke of our ramen and my hot-chilli-paste hissing.

Ours are astonishment and inopposite attraction, from the way we cursed Milan while at the same time worshipped Maldini; to each and every matching words we typed even before we knew what the other was going to say.

Ours are loneliness and curiousity, from the routine thirst of the other's company; to every minute we've shared listening to the other's story, dreams, and hope.

Ours are not biology nor physics, neither children's game nor barring approach. My adventure, your world. My books, your sports. My wandering mind, your focus. My youth and childish heart, your maturity. My balance, your archer.

2008 Reformation

2008-02-13T05:25:00.000-08:00

Those are neither resolution not revolution; nothing fancy like that. It is because normally both resolution and revolution mean radical changes, extreme makeover, which in some point become unrealistic and less probable to be fulfilled. So I choose to stick to 'Reformation', that is less radical and extreme.

So here we are, my 2008 reformation:

Read scientific articles more, read manga less
Read non fiction more, read fiction less
Work out more, sitting less
Walk out more, internetting less
Sport more, eat less
Eat vegs and fruits more, eat carbs less
Eat fish more, eat processed meat less
Write report more, chatting less
Talk more to my parents
Earn money more (somehow), spending less
Travelling more, shopping less
Focus during the experiments more and not less

By the end of 2008 I'm gonna check how far I've done. The parameters are easy: weight loss, muscle gain, more money in Bank account, number of countrries in the list, successful experiments, and increased knowledge (the lattest is quite tricky to measure).

2008-01-31T00:39:00.000-08:00

I see the trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world,

I see the skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world..

Everybody knows "what a wonderful world", a beautiful song by Louis Armstrong from decades ago. This song would normally give me the spirit in my bad and seemingly darker days, remind me that indeed the world is beautiful and bright. I still believe it's true and I know it is.

Yet there were days when I wish I could really realise every single beautiful thing on that song just by singing it. There were days when the skies were grey or neon helium, just like the color of my office's ceiling. Or when there were no flowers let alone trees blooming. And the night was just dark and scary without any secrecy.

Maybe I'm just homesick, I wanna go home

The safety of safety agent

2008-01-02T06:35:00.000-08:00

An agent or device created to prevent conception called condom is very widely known as a consequence of the AIDS and STD outburst during 1960-1970. However, what is considered one of the safest way of having protection might have several backgrounds we should be awaare of. Several facts regarding the safety of condom:

Condom is made from latex or polyutherine - more common known as plastic condom. This plastic condom is designed as alternative for people allergic to latex. What most people are not aware of, plastic condom offers less quality than latex. The process of producing this plastic condom is considered too fast while the breaking risk is 3 times as high as latex (5% for plastic and 1.5% for latex)
Based on several conducted studies, condom prevents the spread of AIDS if used consistently and correctly. However, small precentage of infection (0.15%) still occurs. The best things to do are to absence from any sexual activities from HIV+ partners, change partners less frequently, and quickly take antiviral therapy within maximum 72hours after a known exposure to HIV+
STDs and AIDS could spread via unprotected oral sex via the lining of urethra, vaginal or cervix, anus, or directly via cuts and sores of the body. The risk increases if the person performing has cuts or sores in his/her mouth, and if the recipient ejaculates in the mouth of the performer. Condom reduce the spreading risk by 98%.
The absence of condom size in the package caused people to make mistakes. Too small or too big condom can cause spillage of semen or slipage, which might increase STDs risks as well as unwanted pregnancies. Several states tried to urge condom manufacturer to put size of condom in term of width and length instead of letter (S,M,L).

Risky behaviours among teenagers

2008-01-02T05:22:00.000-08:00

There is a new interesting opinion from a study observing why risky behaviours are so common among teenagers and what might be done to curtail it. The common sense shared by most of our parents are that the teens think they are immortal or invunerable, immune to the hazards, or do not appreciate the risk involved in activities like driving under alcohol influence, having unprotected sex, driving too fast, binge-drinking, or experimenting with drugs. Simply said, we teenagers are short-minded and blind compared to the adults.

Is that really the case? It isn't, apparently, according to the study. The opposite fact turns out to be that actually teenagers are too well-aware of their vulnerability and the risks involved, that they overestimate their risk of obtaining negative effects from events such as unprotected sex. But when we indeed actually weigh the risk and benefit, our mind send a signal to just do and go ahead because the benefits outweigh the risks. As for the perception of vulnerability, another studied conducted a decade ago found that adolescence estimated much higher risks of their dying than the actual risks. Showing us the videos of car crashing may do nothing to reduce future risk-taking. Moreover, showing us the actual risks of those behaviour could backfire, leading us to realize that the actual risks of behaviours like unprotected sex are not as heavy as we thought before.

A new developed strategy offered by the study suggested that the best approach would be based on "gist", an overall sense of what the is the best course of actions. As people getting older and more experienced, their decision would drive towards this so-called gist. This approach allowing adults to reach the bottom line more quickly and, in doing so, reduce their risky behaviour. For example, while an adolescent might consider playing Roussian roulette for $1million payoffs, an adult would be more inclined to think that the amount of money is not worth a one in six chance of dying.

Gist is based on culture, background, and experiences, and experience is what the teens lack. However, there are some ways to create this gist, even based on other people's experiences. For example, after knowing that many young girls getting unwanted pregnancies because of unprotected sex, we should practice the approach of say "no" and not worry about losing our boyfriend. Do feel confident, dont feel stupid, and even if people think you're stupid that's their problem, not ours.

At the same time, the study suggested that older adolescence are better at feeling the cue of possible danger from the environment, as well as learning from consequences than younger adolescence. So for the younger ones, rather than relying on them to make the decision, a better way is to supervise them to protect themselves by removing opportunities for risk taking, such as filling their time with positive activities. Young girls should not be left alone at home with their boyfriend, and omnipresent adults should be present and alcohol absents in teenagers parties.

Taken from NYTIMES

Drinking Danger

2007-12-26T02:01:00.000-08:00

Alcoholic beverages are no longer luxurious in the world nowadays. Who doesn't like alcohol? It makes you relax, at ease, and enjoying yourself. However, maybe you should think twice before being a slave to Grolsch or Jupiter because maybe you wouldn't be so happy after reading what's written below.

Those are several consequences of consuming excess alcohol

Alcohol abuse
In majority, the younger the people were when they had their first drink, the more likely they were to abuse alcohol as an adult. Kids who are begin to drink as teenagers are more likely to become seriously intoxicated during routine drinking episode later in life, presumably because they need more alcohol to get high.
Stroke
heavy drinkers are exposed to nearly three times the risk of hemorrhagic strokes, even light drinkers develop two fold risks. Hemorrhagic strokes occur when blood vessel in the brain leaks or ruptures. The effects of alcohol into hemorrhagic stokes was independent of other risks factor of strokes such as age, weight, blood pressure, and smoking.

Lungs
Chronic alcoholics have a high incidence of pneumonia and acute respiratory distress syndrome, in which the lungs become inflamed, filled with fluid, and can be quckly fatal. Alcohol interacts with claudin, protein that keeps fluid from entering alveoli. Little leakage is not really a problem, but infection or injury can cause fluid buildup. Beyond that, alcohol disrupts a hormone that maintain immune response in the lungs, so infections are more likely to take holds in heavy drinkers.

Liver
Heavy drinkers exposing the liver into serious danger. Alcohol is rapidly absorbed by upper part of small intestine, travels to liver via veins and capillaries of the digestive tracks, which affects nearly all liver cells. Liver cells is the only organ in the body that can produce enough alcohol dehydrogenase to break down alcohol. However, liver prefer fatty acid as a fuel. When alcohol is present, liver is forced to first metabolize alcohol and letting the fatty acid accumulate. A liver clogged with fat causes liver cells to become less efficient at performing its tasks. The persistent condition of such leads to cirrhosis, where the normal liver cells are damaged and replaced by scar tissues, which is irreversible

In the latest stage of cirrhosis, urine and all bypass metabolism product that should be processed by the liver and discarded along with urine is accumulated in the body because the liver is not able to function properly. It leads to a "pregnant-bellied" prototype, where all grabage is accumulated in mid-section of the body. These bypass product then should be discarded by means of medical treatment.

Brain

Unlike foods, which needs time for digestion, alcohol is quickly absorbed by the body before most of other nutrients. About 20% is absorbed directly accross empty stomach and reach brain within one minutes. As the alcohol reach frontal lobes, you begin to loose control over your emotions. Go to the blood vessel, it makes vessel swelled up and increase pressure, which will give headache. When alcohol affects cerrebellum, you will loose the ability to walk straight. Now get to the serious part, drinking large amount of alcohol will affects medulla, which control body function such as breathing and heartbeat. If you drink large amount slowly, reticular activating system (part which control whether you are asleep or awake) will be affected first and you will pass out. If you binge drink or drink very fast, medulla could be shut down before RAS response, which means you could be put into coma, brain damage, or death. Moreover, alcohol is a depressant which slows the communication between nerve cells. In large amount, alcohol is neurotoxic, can actually kill brain cells.

Head and neck cancer
Pool analysis in head and neck cancer epidemiology showed people who are smoking and consuming alcohol in high amount develop risks of head and neck cancer for almost 50% compared to non-smoker non drinker. The risk is reduced into 24% for non-drinker smokers.

Facts:

Factors affecting alcohol metabolism:

The speed of alcohol metabolism depends on stomach condition in time of consuming. The higher dietary fat content, the more time stomach content is emptied into intestine, and the more time alcohol adsorption takes place.

Women absorb and metabolize alcohol differently from men. They have higher Blood Alcohol Concentration's (BAC) after consuming the same amount of alcohol as men and are more susceptible to alcoholic liver disease, heart muscle damage, and brain damage. The difference in BAC's between women and men has been attributed to women's smaller amount of body water, likened to dropping the same amount of alcohol into a smaller pail of water. An additional factor contributing to the difference in BAC's may be that women have lower activity of the alcohol metabolizing enzyme ADH in the stomach, causing a larger proportion of the ingested alcohol to reach the blood. The combination of these factors may render women more vulnerable than men to alcohol-induced liver and heart damage.

Recommended safe limits of alcohol drinking

Men should drink no more than 21 units of alcohol per week (and no more than four units in any one day).

Women should drink no more than 14 units of alcohol per week (and no more than three units in any one day).

Pregnant women. The exact amount that is safe is not known. Therefore, advice from the Department of Health is that pregnant women and women trying to become pregnant should not drink at all. If you do chose to drink when you are pregnant then limit it to one or two units, once or twice a week. And never get drunk.

Alcohol in the right dosage could:

Reduce renal cell cancer risks
Drinking at least one glass alcoholic beverages a day reduce 30% of renal (kidneys) cell cancer, compared to non-alcoholic drinker. However, at the same time it increases risks of cancers of the oral cavity, larynx, pharynx, esophagus, liver, and breast, and probably the colon and rectum.

Decreased hypertension risk in young women
Women between 20 – 40 years of age who are moderate drinkers develop less risks of hypertension. Light drinkers had a decreased risk compared with nondrinkers, but heavier drinkers had an increased risk. However, this advantage do not apply to people over 40 years of age. Mechanism of how alcohol decreased hypertension risk is unknown, but how excessive alcohol interfere with high blood pressure is obvious.